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Forum: Short stories
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6 years ago
This is an interesting ending to a chapter...You may want to try to avoid sentence fragments, and you might want to change up some of your punctuation a bit, to make it less repetitive...You could include some dialogue in the last paragraph, or maybe divide it up into two...
Also, someone's internal thoughts do not need to be in quotation marks. Or, at least, that is how I have seen it in books. They just need to be italicized.
I think that this is a great story, though. Really a great idea, if you can make it into something more. It just needs...a bit more...grammar? Grammatical variation and correction, or something.
That's my three cents.
(Sorry! I just realized that this post was made five months ago!)