Comment #8408

Forum: Short stories
php213
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I don't have much time right now to properly comment on the piece as a whole, but I'll just pick out a few things for now, in a (terribly formatted) list. Sorry for the huge stream of critique.

"I cannot say sir, this is the tribe Yulindih m'lord." sounds a bit awkward. "m'lord" should be removed, as there is no reason for someone to refer to someone twice in the same sentence. In "they can refuse orders from their leader Fale Halick if they thought it right.", "can" should be changed to "could" to keep the tenses of the sentence consistent. In addition, while introducing the name of their leader is understandable from a narrative perspective, it sounds awkward in a conversation since if the lord did not know the leader of the tribe, mentioning his name would be meaningless.
Fale's name can be introduced later, when/if he is mentioned again. "conquer a duke" sounds a bit off since conquer is usually used on areas of land. "Why did they dare to attack I, Duke Whaelin.", while needing a question mark, also sounds a bit off because who really says their own name in their thoughts? "Next to the man was...." could be a bit better phrased, maybe changed to something along the lines of, "Mounting his chariot, the duke rode swiftly out the gates." "Sire" can be simply removed.

The last paragraph or so is a bit confusing, and a bit quick for such a large battle. The first few sentences could be shortened into one, since many of them provide unnecessary or excessive information. A bit more description of the battle overall would be nice, and some grammatical errors need to be fixed. It's also a bit confusing how the duke suddenly died (though I know it's meant to be); maybe its the sudden perspective shift that makes it sound a bit off, since we see a lot of the Duke's thoughts in the beginning and than suddenly switch to a narration/legend/storybook format.

In general, things like, "he said", "he thought", "he replied", at the ends or beginnings of dialogue could help smooth out the story.

Personally, I see no problem with using Whaelin as a name. I don't quite see the point of having a unique name.
Enochlord
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Addressing someone twice happened in medieval times, in the 1800's and I think sometimes today. I will change the can to could. It is common knowledge who the leader of the orcs is. Why did they dare attack I, Duke Whaelin, will be corrected. Yes there are other grammatical errors I have. I never was good in grammar.
php213
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Ah, ok then. If it is common knowledge who the leader of the orcs is, why does the soldier mention his name to his lord? I don't know, maybe it's the "mentioning someone twice" thing still bothering me.