Comment History

on 231 Roots


Forum: Apparently I'm Transphobic

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Part 2

Anyway, I suppose I didn't really realise at the time how much that would have affected Frances. It's tough, I suppose, to truly realise the extent of the other person's pain when your own pain is filling your own mind and heart with dark, stormy clouds that threaten to consume you. Due to her gender issues, I know that she's been on the receiving end of much harassment and bullying from nasty people. She's also really choleric, and had an aggressive, defiant attitude at the first sign of this, which made our disagreement so heated. She's a fighter, rather than someone who backs down. Being a fighter leads to fights. I don't like choleric people, as you probably already know, because I'm sensitive and so easily scarred, so every defiant, forceful thing she said - in her eyes, to defend herself - just pushed her further and further into the 'kind of person I want to get away from' area in my eyes.

We each were consumed by a lifetime of strife and problems, and putting us together was a bad, bad idea!
She's been bullied all her life because of her gender, and to her I was just another bully, one in a chain, saying the same hurtful and tormenting things as all the rest.
To me, she was a Fig Hunter person, an argumentative choleric critical show-off who hurt my tender little heart. The sort I'd made that site to escape. Again, one in a chain of many similar experiences.
It opened up old wounds for both of us, and we both felt tormented and deeply hurt by the experience, from the sound of things. We each assumed things of the other that weren't fair, based on past experiences; each of us fell into 'one of THESE people' category, I imagine...

Since then, I've handled that situation by trying to avoid her, as I do with people I don't get along with. She however has been openly expressing her hatred for me... I don't expect her to like me or anything, but I at least vented in private. Or at least I thought it was private. It turns out that one of the people able to see my private words was not to be trusted, however, and this person shared my private, highly emotional vent with Frances, who read it and, of course, thought much less of me. Of course she would! It's not as if I was going to write some reasonable and tolerant treatise in the depths of stormy torment! I was just getting things off my chest, vomiting vitriol so it would stop polluting me, and I did it in the only place I felt I could.

Frances showed off this extremely private thought of mine in the Fig Hunter chatroom. For this, she has been banned. I know that my words in that thought were horrible, but they were meant to be private. Have you never said nasty things about someone who'd hurt you behind their back, just for the sake of cathartic release? It's what she was doing about me, probably for the same reason, except she chose not to do it in private.

She was hurt, and as a result, she tried to hurt me. When I banned her after sharing this private thought of mine, her response was a smug 'you lose'.

I did not wish to harm her. But nor did I have the energy to embrace her. I only wished her to be away from me, because her personality was the type I was trying so hard to escape from.

I also don't hate transgender people. I don't understand them, that's for sure, and I don't like to talk about the topic when it comes up, but I'd rather it didn't come up at all. When I got a new member, expecting a soft warm cloud of a girl, and actually got a choleric, argumentative girl-who's-actually-a-plug, I felt betrayed because none of what I expected to get was as I was expecting it to be.

To be clear, I wasn't frustrated because I couldn't have sex with her or anything like that; I feel like some of my words here might imply that. The transgender thing was mostly just the straw that broke the camel's back; if it wasn't that, it would have been some other personality trait I'd 'picked on', like maybe the fact that she was 'choleric' or something.

To me, it seems like transgender is a different gender entirely to both male and female... I don't think that a physically male but mentally female person is the same as someone who is both biologically and physically female, because their life experience would have been affected by so many different thoughts and experiences, but I also don't think that they have less worth or are less worthy of respect or anything. I also don't realise how big a deal this gender thing is to them though... Or rather, I know, mentally, that it is, but I don't truly in my heart know what it's like because I lack the experience myself. It's alien and uncomfortable for me and, like I said, that makes me want to avoid it because I haven't the space in my aching heart for the mountains of pain and problems that comes with living such a conflicted existence. There are many people out there better suited to supporting such people.

(It's like how people might know about my own frustrations from what I write, but can't truly understand them in their heart because they don't have the same experiences, so they assume I'm overreacting or being unfair...)

I've been told by people in the past that they were transgender, which made me raise an eyebrow and think 'okay?', after which I thought little else about it. It only became an issue with Frances in particular because I already disliked her personality beyond that; if she was a nice warm fluffy cloud, then I wouldn't have been so hostile. I wouldn't have minded. I was merely a mirror to her own prickliness, which I suppose is such a fundamental part of her nature because of all the hardship she's had to deal with because of this.

Anyway... It's difficult for me to want to apologise to Frances, because the truth is that I don't like her. Not because of what she is, but because of how she behaves. I've already made that clear. I don't like how she was so defiant and argumentative, and I especially hate how she shared my most private thoughts with others who were never meant to see them. They were private so as not to hurt her further; it's not as if I'd stepped up to a podium to publicly slander this person who I barely knew, with the intention of causing her more harm.

However. I do at least understand that she's as scarred as I am, just for different reasons, and it wasn't fair of me to be that way towards her just because of my own scars. I don't think that I'm 'right', but I don't think that she is either. I think it's more complicated than that, and the complex mess of human emotions have resulted in a whole ugly affair that I'd rather never happened at all.

I do want to make clear to other people who are transgender though that I don't think less of or hate you for it anything like that. I just struggle to understand it, it makes me uncomfortable, and I'd find it difficult if a discussion about it arose. I'd rather just ignore the whole topic entirely, as I've said multiple times already. I'm not a perfect saint, and hopefully this is something I'll improve with once I have something that helps ease my own crippling problems.

If, for example, someone asked me to change their gender on this site, I wouldn't launch into an angry tirade criticising their very existence; I'd say 'oh, okay' and do it, if it helped their mental health. Again, I want to make clear that it was Frances' personality that made me act the way I did towards her in particular.

The thought of being a 'transphobic bully' is harrowing, and the thought of everyone agreeing with Frances rather than seeing this as a two-sided thing is painful... I don't want you to hate Frances and see her as if she was in the wrong, since she was only acting according to her nature, and as a result of a life time of abuse. But I also hope that people won't see it as me beating down a vulnerable victim for no reason at all, because I too was merely reacting as a result of a lifetime of deeply painful frustrations. She opened my wounds, I opened hers, neither of which was intentional as such, but the messy results were the same.

I know that this is very different to an "I am sorry and I was wrong" post, which might be better received... I just hope that people will see this as the multifaceted storm of emotions that it is, rather than as a one-way bully-victim situation.

To summarise it all: It does not matter to me what you are; what matters is how you interact. That's what makes me like or dislike you. Isn't that the case for everyone?
Forum: Apparently I'm Transphobic

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In the midst of a panic attack after a day full of scarring and heart-rending drama, the sort I'd been trying so, so very hard to escape, I am compelled by peoples' impressions of me to write a post about my thoughts on transgender people.

This is about Frances in particular, who I assume you all know is transgender and if not, then it was sort of silly for people to suggest I write a post about this.

Before I say anything else, I'll summarise my position on transgender people: they make me somewhat uncomfortable, but mostly I just don't care and would rather have nothing to do with the whole thing. I neither embrace nor despise them simply because of their transgenderedness. I certainly don't think that they should be attacked for being what they are or anything like that.

I do have trouble wrapping my mind around the concept though. I admit it's alien to me, and will take some getting used to. However, when I learn that someone is transgender, it's like learning that they're homosexual or something; it makes me think 'uh, okay', then I maybe raise an eyebrow and forget about it. Or rather, I'll probably say something about how I wouldn't have expected that or whatever. It's... interesting, and that's it, especially if I just regard them as an acquaintance or not even that, then it's of little interest to me whatsoever. It's just one of many traits that makes up a whole.

I'd be uncomfortable being close friends with someone who was transgender, in the same way that I'd be uncomfortable being friends with someone in a wheelchair or someone with a severe mental handicap, or even someone who was promiscuous and extroverted. Obviously this strays from the tolerant, all-loving ideal that people are supposed to embrace these days, but my reasons for it aren't because I hate them or think they're lesser people; it's because I tend to try and avoid people who I can't relate to in general. People in any of those categories live in different worlds to me, and I'd be terrified of saying things that might offend them and so on and so forth. I'd feel like I had to be more alert and careful than I'd prefer to be, and I know that's a fault of mine rather than something to be proud of or to embrace. I'd rather just run away than put effort into fixing it, though... which again is a fault, but my life is simply too inundated with problems of my own - loneliness, anxiety, the stress of making and maintaining the things I make and maintain - that I just couldn't handle the extra worries and efforts that came along with trying to learn about someone's vastly alien experiences... Maybe that sounds heartless; I just see it as having barely a trickle of energy to work with, which I'd rather spend on other things instead.

So there was this person, Frances... You probably all know that I have another site called Alora Fane which, for the moment, is invite only. It's hard for me to accept new people there due to trust issues that have arisen as a result of running Fig Hunter, and especially things like inviting people into private sections in the past who turned out to be untrustworthy or hurtful or whatever else.

I was told that there was a new member who was interested in joining Alora Fane... I didn't know this person, but I was told it was a teenage INFJ girl who was on Fig Hunter who was... argumentative. Okay, I thought; I know how the atmosphere of Fig Hunter draws that out of people; god knows I've been argumentative myself more often than not here, despite claiming to be all sensitive and gentle and such.

Honestly, the main thing that piqued my interest was the whole 'girl' part. I have gender issues of my own, you see, though of course they differ from a transgender person's. Gender is important to me... I'm scared of males; I've developed a fear of masculinity and male people from overexposure, and more than anything I want to meet more girls. In particular, I hope to meet a girl who I could be more than friends with eventually, but my isolated life makes it hard for me to find anyone of that compatible sex. So I welcome any that I can get into my life, much less hesitantly than I would if they were male. I'm also sensitive and emotional myself, and don't associate myself with masculinity at all; it could even be said that I'm a borderline transgender in that sense, though it always seems odd to me how people make the jump over the line, since I personally only use the terms 'male' and 'female' to refer to anatomy. I'm not a manly man, but I am 'male' in the sense that I have a plug and not a socket. I suppose it's tough for me to fully wrap my mind around how gender works differently in other peoples' minds, and I probably should put more effort into understanding that but, well, it's the whole lack-of-energy thing again. I know I've been told that it's a brain chemistry thing.

So anyway. Along comes Frances, who I let in despite the fact that I knew nothing about her, largely because she was a she and I'm a lonely creep or whatever who's eager to meet more sockets I can stick my plug in. Or, uh... not like that. Probably. Or something. It's painful being so lonely, and being surrounded by hundreds and hundreds of other guys all my life. Any change from that is welcome.

You may also be aware of my other site that I started recently, the sensitive one. It's nice! The people there are emotional, friendly, 'feminine' in the sense that they are supportive and positive and encouraging and such. It has this soft, fluffy feeling to it, and being there feels like I'm being embraced by a warm cloud or something.

That's what I hoped I'd be getting when this teenage INFJ girl joined Alora Fane... A person who was soft, fluffy, emotional, encouraging, etc. A nice warm cloud.

What I got instead was someone who reminded me of all that I disliked about Fig Hunter... Someone who was argumentative (I had been warned, but my little pants monster made me ignore it), who spoke using far too many obscure words to show off, someone who bragged about their programming prowess, and a bunch of other things that brought so many unpleasant memories tumbling back. Old wounds reopened, and the teeth-gritting endurance game that I'd become so fond of in the Fig Hunter chat began again.

I chose to endure it for a time, because I knew she was new and, well, she was a she; that gender thing kept me at least somewhat, uh, tolerant. Relatively, anyway. But she didn't exactly act like a she; at least, not like the warm and fluffy cloud people who I can now enjoy on my other site. Her behaviour was basically masculine, or at least it seemed that way to me. Choleric.

I can't remember the details, but I think I got gradually more and more prickly because she was reminding me more and more of exactly what I'd made Alora Fane to get away from. The Fig Hunter attitude. It wasn't deliberate on her part, for sure, and perhaps it was just her trying hard to be impressive in the only way she knew how, but my own wounds made it hard for me to endure. These were the sorts of people who drove me away from my own website, after all. I was getting ready to leave this chatroom too... but this was before I had my new sensitive site, and I relied heavily on the Alora Fane chat to stay sane. The thought of going there only to have this new thorn in my side, bringing out stress and robbing me of any enjoyment I might get from the place, was too much to bear, so, in an unusual-feeling act of assertiveness, or probably madness, I blatantly asked if she was transgender... Not just based on nothing, but based on the fact that she sounded like oh so many Fig Hunter Guys that I'd dealt with in the past, as well as a comment she'd just made about her family not accepting her or some such thing.

She confirmed that this was true, and we got into a horrendous mess of an argument which I've since learned was interpreted by her as me being a bully and tormenting her, but which was far from a walk in the park for me. So draining and mind-rendingly frustrating it was, in fact, that I absolutely had to vent about it afterwards, for the sake of catharsis. I normally do my venting on yet another private site of mine, away from the eyes of the public; since I have no confidants to turn to for hugs and support and a friendly ear, and I wouldn't want to vent at anyone so one-sidedly and viciously anyway, I wrote a thought on this private site about it. My words were nasty, and highly emotional. I was getting out all the pain that I'd just endured, vomiting up the bile that had built up inside this terrible encounter, and in doing so I felt some kind of release.

Interestingly, I didn't actually ban Frances from Alora Fane. I'd made it abundantly clear that I didn't like her, but I'd rather just avoid the chat and let her stay there if she preferred. This was at the expense of myself, because as I said, I feared losing that chatroom as I relied on it a lot to stay sane, but here I was giving it up rather than banning her.

Continued in part 2...
Forum: My MBTI?

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One thing that I've noticed is that many INFJs are really glad to learn their type because they've always felt misunderstood (though this could be enneatype 4 INFJs specifically, I'm not sure), so they cling willingly to the label much more than other types do. S types like ISFJ, though, often struggle to decide on their type because they're more comfortable with coming to conclusions based on direct experience rather than looking at things abstractly in their mind.

INFJ runs on Introverted Intuition, which makes it easy for them to narrow down many possibilities to one 'correct solution'. It's why I've never struggled typing myself; I clearly see all my traits and easily form some big picture or 'trend line' through them all.

ISFJ has Extroverted Intuition, though, which is all about thinking about many different possibilities and considering them equally valid. It can lead to indecisiveness because 'all things seem to fit me'; finding the 'best fit' seems to be harder with this form of intuiting.

I haven't got much to work with here, but I do wonder if ISFJ might be a better fit than INFJ... I mean, all types have some form of sensing and some form of intuition; it's not as if they're black-and-white on-off dichotomies where INFJ is incapable of sensing and ISFJ is incapable of abstraction or fantasising. Instead, INFJ has Ni/Se and ISFJ has Si/Ne. Being ISFJ doesn't make you incapable of being interested in things beyond what we know.

...I consider myself a traditional person, I don't care for trends or fashion. I like to be 'down-to-earth' and subtle. But I *can* be spontaneous and 'wild', and if I don't have enough change or breaking out of my routine, I just feel depressed. But I do need a routine, because it connects me to past memories and times of my life.

This sounds very much like Si to me! Which INFJ doesn't have. And much of what you say seems like Ne-style 'but everything fits me!' indecision, rather than Ni-style 'I clearly see the correct answer' certainty.

So maybe ISFJ?!

Oh, and I wouldn't rely on tests, especially those that give percentage-based results; I think that kind of thing is misleading... The only way to know your type is to understand yourself and the underlying ideas behind the concept. The tests are only a vague guideline at best.
Forum: Accounts overhaul?

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In a blog post, I mentioned the idea of combining the two sites I have running currently (this and the private, sensitive one), while maintaining each of their respective cultures, and having a separate neutral hub area where the games could be played.

However, for a bunch of technical reasons, this may require you to remake your account.

How would you feel about having to start again from scratch? I thought it'd be interesting to see the results in the form of a poll.
Blog: Temperaments and MBTI Correlation

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The temperaments aren't moods like 'sad' or 'angry'... A better way to think of them might be:

- Reclusive and intense.
- Reclusive and laid-back.
- Assertive and commanding.
- Assertive and playful.
Blog: Thinking and Feeling

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Well, this is certainly a frank post...

I didn't get bothered by this bluntness either until recently. I'm most certainly very sensitive by nature, but that's not the main cause of my increasing frustrations.

I have no friends, apparently, and spend all my time in front of my computer, never going out or seeing anyone or having any fun to balance things out, and I've been running this website now since 2004, which has an overwhelming majority Thinky audience.
At first, it was okay, I didn't even notice and disparity between our styles of communication and didn't have this 'us and them' mentality about it, and at first replied to the 'insensitive' posts and unwanted advice with good faith.
As time went on, though, I got less and less tolerant to it, as anyone would towards anything they never really liked but had to endure in abundance on a daily basis for years, and it's resulted in me calling this place 'toxic' these days and openly talking about what's making me feel that way.

I realise that much of the site's audience IS Thinky, and I don't want to push them off the site, but I can't endure it anymore. I've long passed the stage where I could, easily, and it takes a lot of effort just to avoid shutting down the site entirely or something extreme like that now.
'Splitting' the site - or at least the forum - is an effort to keep sane and to hopefully attract people that might be more along my own wavelength so then I can derive some pleasure from the site for the first time in I can't remember how long.

So I am truly sorry about the offence that any of this recent stuff causes, but I'm just so tired of being an alien on my own site, or having to endure things that rub me the wrong way constantly.
Blog: Thinking and Feeling

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No. I like to eat chocolate, but not cockroaches. Coating a cockroach in chocolate wouldn't make it more palatable to me. Or something like that. o_O

It's not that I'm not interested in peoples' opinions... It's just that when I am, I prefer to ask for them specifically. I don't want 'critique' when I'm not asking for it, because the absence of asking generally suggests that I'm satisfied with the current state of things, in which case the 'critique' is insensitive and hurtful.

I also prefer suggestions - when I do ask for them - to be subjective rather than objective; for example, "I would prefer it if... " rather than "it would be better if..."
They seem superficially the same, but I react to them very differently.
One suggests "I know best and you are wrong", while the other is "here's a way to please me personally".
Or one demands I do things their way, while the other lets me do things my way while taking other things into account.

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This is bizarre and came out of nowhere; I wonder if there'll be others like this that I'll have to put up with through this transition. It's certainly unexpected.

And a weird outlook, too... It's like some people see everything in black and white terms, so by complaining about being criticised all the time, that must mean that I want people to get down on their knees and worship me, because there is of course no middle ground.
Anyone who doesn't attack me is immediately an 'asskisser' in this dichotomous world, and I obviously have an enormously bloated ego because I don't want to be 'challenged' by complete strangers after everything that I say. You'd think that if my ego was so huge, I'd be able to shrug off criticism rather than getting hurt deeply by it.

Also interesting that I'm a 'leech', despite making this site and everything on it driven purely by passion, and giving it all away for free... I wonder what Mr !!  Anguti222 has contributed to the world.

Anyway, things like this hurt quite a bit, but at the same time it's just too bizarre to be worth dwelling on.

This totally improves my opinion of male INTJ people though!!11!11!1
Game: Miasmon

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I am commenting on a game for the sake of testing something!1
Blog: Understanding the 9 Enneagram Types!

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I'm not even sure why you're uncertain...? From what you've said here, it should be obvious that INFP fits more than INTP. Why did you gravitate towards INTP at all?

Perhaps what's at the heart of the difference between T and F is that F people make their decisions based around how people will feel, while T people don't necessarily take that into account.

It's like how they react to someone venting... An F is most likely to empathise or sympathise with the person, to engage them on an emotional level, while a T would see things in a detached way, as a puzzle to solve, so they'd probably offer cold advice instead. It's their own way of helping, of course, but it doesn't help F people because they're seeking support, not solutions.

It doesn't mean that F types are incapable of 'logic' or anything like that, or that they make decisions with no thought whatsoever. It's that they are interested in how people feel about any particular decision in a way that T types aren't.

However, things like concern and empathy can also be learned and put-on to some extent... If you're not actually feeling anything as you consider the feelings of others, and are merely thinking it through from a distance, objectively rather than subjectively, then I suppose there's cause to wonder.

I still think that it's important to consider whether "emotions clouding my judgement" or "my detached analysis causing insensitive decisions" is a worse thing to you, as the former suggests T and the latter suggests F.