Comment History

on 727 Roots

727 Comments

Blog: Weekly Update
Pseudolonewolf
0

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Thank you! It is very nice to see something like this for a change!

I also understand what it's like to be hesitant about speaking up... I generally don't join other communities myself in case I'm criticised, or in case people don't like what I say or things like that... I admire and appreciate such concern over how you come across to others, actually!
It's just a shame that many people who are like that are quiet while more obnoxious people are loud instead... o_O

I have no negative feelings about your use of a Chinese word here, by the way! I just wish I could read it rather than seeing it as incomprehensible squiggles!1 o_O
(You said what it means and how it sounds and everything, but still... I suppose I knew more languages or something!)

Anyway, thank you again for speaking up! I suppose in some ways it makes me feel less, uh... hopeless, or something!
Blog: Weekly Update
Pseudolonewolf
6

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Another hurtful objective analysis. Sigh! I'm sick of it. This doesn't help at all. It's just insulting and belittling and makes me feel even worse than I already do.

Especially since you call me 'chauvinistic' and selfish and so on, which is just maddening because it seems to show a misunderstanding of what I'm looking for...

I'm after this 'perfect' sort of person - and it doesn't have to be 100% perfect, just at least more similar than not - so then I can have someone who I can bond with on a deep, personal level; the key word there being 'bond'. I want someone to share things with and who'll share things with me. Someone open and emotionally honest who doesn't wear a mask in the same way that I feel I don't; a big reason I 'reject' a lot of people before 'giving them a chance' is because they put on a persona to deal with the world, often a snarky and cynical one in my experience. They are not open enough about themselves... (One thing about my girlfriend, actually, was that I would at times get distressed about how she wasn't talking to me enough, and kept asking 'what's on your mind?' or 'how are you feeling?' because I craved for her to share things with me in the ways that I shared things with her... I wanted it to be an equal partnership, not a one-way thing.)

I want to find someone who I can share life with, who I can help and support and who'll help and support me. A person who's after what I'm after, so then we can give eachother what we're both looking for. Another reason I reject people is because I'd just be an annoying burden to them, as I wouldn't be what they were interested in finding.

I'm not trying to catch an impressive fish, so to speak. I'm trying to find a jigsaw piece that fits nicely with my own, because a two-way, mutual, deeply personal bond is what I crave most of all. I want someone I can have fun with in the very particular way that I enjoy, and I don't want to have peoples' pity or someone who wants to look after me or feels they should help me or anything like that. Or someone to inflict my worries on. In many ways, I don't want someone 'emotionally healthy', because I'd feel like I was something to be pitied and they wouldn't really understand.

INFJs have been called 'counsellors' by some sources for a reason... I've always been a Listener, and want to help someone out as much as they'd help me.

I don't want to find someone 'perfect' in the sense of being 'flawless'; rather, I want someone who shares and understands many of my own flaws, at least on a vague level, so then we can try to solve them together as partners, rather than taking a teacher-student approach to things. I hate the imbalance of that.

You seem to have read about the 4 enough, but I suppose it's never truly possible to really feel what another type does, so you can only observe it from a distance using your own values... and I can understand how I behave can be frustrating because of that.
Especially since from what I understand of 9s, they're very adaptive and accepting of others and their differeces, which in many ways is the exact *opposite* of the 4 at its core...

I read something the other day about enneagram marriages... Which types are more likely to get married to others and so on. It was interesting that while most types would avoid their own type as a partner, 4s were the only exception, which seemed likely to prefer other 4s. I think that says a lot...

Anyway, I am still trying to find what I'm looking for, but I'm held back by anxiety a lot of the time. For example, I met my girlfriend on an art site and I feel I could meet someone else through that same site, in the same way... but I'm often scared to look around beyond my own userpage for reasons I'm not going to try to explain. I'm gradually working at this and stepping further and further out of my 'comfort zone' in this sense every day. It's taking time. There are other sites I could try too, like Facebook, but I'm still scared to even so much as visit that place. Maybe one day I'll be able to work up to it.

Anyway, I've taken so very much time trying to explain how I as a Feeler do not like 'objective analysis'. Over and over and over again I've said this. I wish people would actually understand that so then I didn't have to keep writing things like this again and again. It just makes me feel worse, frustrated, misunderstood, and even more repelled by this particular community.
Blog: Weekly Update
Pseudolonewolf
2

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I do not have any friends at the moment. I thought this blog post made that clear. My current distress is because I don't have any friends, but, again as I hoped the blog post made clear, I'm currently searching for them and spending much of my time doing that. That is why I've been making no progress with my games. Because I'm trying to find friends.

I am extremely picky about what I want though, for all kinds of reasons, and while I've got offers of friendship from people who don't really meet my criteria (and as such I'd have to 'force myself' to talk to them and would never truly enjoy it), I've not yet found another person to properly connect with.
I used to have that until a few months ago.

Many people come to this site for my games. When I have been busy with other concerns - since I do have an existence outside being a game making machine - and haven't made the progress that people want or expect, I say so rather than remaining silent and making people wonder and speculate. I feel it's valuable to honestly explain circumstances, so I do. That leads to posts like this; explanations of why I've been slow with games development.

Some people just don't seem to get it, or can't seem to get it... They just can't keep their damn mouths shut and need to spout their hurtful, objective analyses to people who have explicitly said that they don't want to hear them, over and over again. People they don't even know. It's frustrating. The reason I'm so frustrated by these site these days, and so curt in some of my replies, is because it's the same thing over and over and over again.

It may seem that I reject things out of hand, but it's generally because they're really mind-numbingly obvious to the point of being insulting ("durr, pousedo, you ever tried, i unno, goin out wiv ur frends"), or they won't work for me because of things like my social anxiety and particular life situation, or preferences, or the way my 'Feeler' mind works, or all kinds of things like that.
The delivery is important too. I keep saying this over and over. I understand that 'Thinkers' have less concern for style and instead would focus on the logic of the substance, but I've spent many blog posts trying to explain how my subjective, sensitive, emotional approach to everything works in contrast to people with minds like that. I hate 'objective analysis' and crave understanding and empathy. When guys here go into analytical detail about a certain situation or my actions or whatever, it doesn't make me think "I see the logic of your observations, good sir, and shall take it to heart"; instead I feel like some kind of lab specimen and in many ways want to stubbornly resist whatever they're talking about because it's generally insensitive.

But again and again I keep having to explain it, and, well, sigh, I hate having to write things like this endlessly. I wish that people would just respect my wishes and not criticise me or give me advice.
Just because you are open to or even like certain kinds of things, doesn't mean that anyone who doesn't is bad or wrong and must be criticised for it...

Anyway, your comment was hurtful, and I wish people would just keep things like this to themselves. Ugh.
Blog: Weekly Update
Pseudolonewolf
2

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I'll never understand the "you've specifically asked us not to do something, but I'll plough through and do it anyway" mentality...

I've actually tried dating sites before; some for 'geeks' specifically, others like 'match.com' or 'eHarmony'.

What I've found is that basically everyone there, no matter how much the site claims to focus on personality matching, sells themselves in basically the same way.
"I'm really bubbly and love meeting new people!! I'm great fun to be around! I can be shy at first, but once you get me talking I'm THE GREATEST PERSON IN THE UNIVERSE!!"
I'm not interested in people who are 'bubbly' or who feel they have to lie and describe themselves that way to be accepted. But months of looking and waiting and searching on these sites showed that same pattern, over and over.

Also, if you filter your searches to people who 'don't drink' (because I really need to find someone who doesn't drink), some of them give no results ever and others say 'please change that, or you'll get no results'.
Blog: Weekly Update
Pseudolonewolf
0

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I've heard that roleplaying groups are a common way for nerdy people to find people and form friendships and stuff... but it's a shame that I'm not really interested in that sort of stuff myself. I like RPGs as computer or video games, but I've never been into actual roleplaying and wouldn't really be able to muster up any excitement about it if I were to 'give it a go'.

There's also the fact that I'm mainly looking for female friends at the moment (if I wanted to talk to males, there are dozens of people from this site who'd lend me their ear, but I've been surrounded by only males for so long...), so I'm more likely to join art groups or something. I'm already on art sites and I'm trying to be more active there to find people, and to some extent it's working; I'm just looking for something really, really specific and I've not yet found that even if I have found other things.
Blog: Weekly Update
Pseudolonewolf
0

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I wouldn't say that I appreciate the unwanted advice here... but despite my current apparent misery, I'm not 'Depressed', and just because I write about things like this in a Fig Hunter blog post doesn't mean that I'd interact with people I'm actually interested in using similar dismal tones. I'm actively searching for 'the right people' on other sites, and while I do so, I try to remain... not exactly 'happy', in some overbearing cheeriness kind of way, but probably neutral, expressive, and interested (and hopefully interesting) and so on.

What I'm 'into' though are people who understand where I'm coming from; who feel affinity with how I genuinely am rather than falling for some mask that I put on. That'd never lead to anything fulfilling.
Blog: Weekly Update
Pseudolonewolf
0

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Apparently I have been trying to escape this place for a few months now because Fig Hunter causes me more frustration than pleasure. My fans are basically all male and the majority are younger than me, and I am not happy here...
Blog: Weekly Update
Pseudolonewolf
1

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My social anxiety apparently makes things like video conversations with strangers absolutely terrifying. I can't even look at Facebook because of the photos of people there. I can understand why it's valuable to other people... but it's not something I'd do myself.
Blog: Weekly Update
Pseudolonewolf
4

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Well, yes... That's what I've been saying, isn't it?
Blog: Weekly Update
Pseudolonewolf
3

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I don't know why you thought that writing this was a good idea.