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Short stories
php213
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Err, sorry for not posting a short story, but I'm wondering; is this thread meant for (constructive) criticism, or purely support/praise? Or will that be specified by each author?
LSCohen
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LSCohen 21 Israel MelancholicSanguine ISFJ 291 198C
It's a mixture of Praisement and criticism. I request to understand your way of story and make better the telling.
php213
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Ok, thanks. I'll keep that in mind. I haven't had time to look over much of the thread yet, but it looks interesting.
Enochlord
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This is the ending of the chapter, A Dark Past.

The Duke Whaelin looked upon his land, with his main force away, it was only his Personal guard defending the castle. "Fredrick!"
"Yes m'lord?" "The Orc tribe I asked help from is less than 10 miles from here! When will they arrive?"
"I cannot say sir, this is the tribe Yulindih m'lord. They hold the majority of elders, they can refuse orders from their leader Fale Halick if they thought it right."
The Duke Whaelin looked at his land again, this was more than any normal group of renegades. They had banded together, and they were trying to conquer a duke! "Prepare my chariot, I shall fight allongside my men."
"Yes, my liege."
" What is it that drove these elves to my land? Why did they dare to attack I, Duke Whaelin. "
"Sire!" Next to the man was his chariot, a pike man, an archer, and a javelinir stood on it. The duke climbed on.
"Heya!" The horses began a gallop down the ramp and into the courtyard. Then from the courtyard to the gates. "Open the gates! I am joining the battle!" So the gates opened, many elves tried to disperse form the conflict and enter the city. They were met by the chariot, those who were not crushed were skewered by the riders, or beheaded by the duke. Spirits rose at the sight of him, but they were still outnumbered, and the battle did not go their way. Suddenly the Yulindih busted through the trees like a wave, clearing the shore. The elves never stood a chance against these, they were the elite of what the duke thought was orcs. Once again spirits rose, the duke was stunned as the archers fired volley after volley in such rapid succession twas only a blur. Stunned yet again when the grunts smashed through the elves and their terrific bulk lumbered across the fields. As his archer fell dead beside him, he snapped out of it. There was a tall muscular elf, obviously high position in the army! This was not a band of renegades! This was war! But he was the only person to ever realize, he the passengers were slayed on the Chariot. In the lands of Whaelin, year 11624, That elf got away, he was never spotted again at that battle. In the end the duke was found, laying dead. He was buried in ceremonial fashion. The fighters who came from Yulindih were rewarded, and they went their way. In a way they had won, but so had the elves.
LSCohen
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LSCohen 21 Israel MelancholicSanguine ISFJ 291 198C
Interesting "chapter" Indeed. But in my opinion. not realley creative names.
I saw the name Whaelin ONCE with a slight change.
Enochlord
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I had no idea that there were names used that were anything like the ones I am using. If so, then I suppose that only supports my chapter. If Whaelin had a human name instead of an original name it would make him more of a human character.
As to why it is so short, it is more of an intro chapter, to show how Seleser got his wound.
LSCohen
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LSCohen 21 Israel MelancholicSanguine ISFJ 291 198C
you've done a double post. Please change by a slight the content.
Enochlord
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I had no idea that there were names used that were anything like the ones I am using. If so, then I suppose that only supports my chapter. If Whaelin had a human name instead of an original name it would make him more of a human character.
As to why it is so short, it is more of an intro chapter, to show how Seleser got his wound.
LSCohen
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LSCohen 21 Israel MelancholicSanguine ISFJ 291 198C
Interesting... And about the slight change. I'm talking about the dwarf Waelin that you use in Eragon's RP
php213
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I don't have much time right now to properly comment on the piece as a whole, but I'll just pick out a few things for now, in a (terribly formatted) list. Sorry for the huge stream of critique.

"I cannot say sir, this is the tribe Yulindih m'lord." sounds a bit awkward. "m'lord" should be removed, as there is no reason for someone to refer to someone twice in the same sentence. In "they can refuse orders from their leader Fale Halick if they thought it right.", "can" should be changed to "could" to keep the tenses of the sentence consistent. In addition, while introducing the name of their leader is understandable from a narrative perspective, it sounds awkward in a conversation since if the lord did not know the leader of the tribe, mentioning his name would be meaningless.
Fale's name can be introduced later, when/if he is mentioned again. "conquer a duke" sounds a bit off since conquer is usually used on areas of land. "Why did they dare to attack I, Duke Whaelin.", while needing a question mark, also sounds a bit off because who really says their own name in their thoughts? "Next to the man was...." could be a bit better phrased, maybe changed to something along the lines of, "Mounting his chariot, the duke rode swiftly out the gates." "Sire" can be simply removed.

The last paragraph or so is a bit confusing, and a bit quick for such a large battle. The first few sentences could be shortened into one, since many of them provide unnecessary or excessive information. A bit more description of the battle overall would be nice, and some grammatical errors need to be fixed. It's also a bit confusing how the duke suddenly died (though I know it's meant to be); maybe its the sudden perspective shift that makes it sound a bit off, since we see a lot of the Duke's thoughts in the beginning and than suddenly switch to a narration/legend/storybook format.

In general, things like, "he said", "he thought", "he replied", at the ends or beginnings of dialogue could help smooth out the story.

Personally, I see no problem with using Whaelin as a name. I don't quite see the point of having a unique name.
Enochlord
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Addressing someone twice happened in medieval times, in the 1800's and I think sometimes today. I will change the can to could. It is common knowledge who the leader of the orcs is. Why did they dare attack I, Duke Whaelin, will be corrected. Yes there are other grammatical errors I have. I never was good in grammar.
php213
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Ah, ok then. If it is common knowledge who the leader of the orcs is, why does the soldier mention his name to his lord? I don't know, maybe it's the "mentioning someone twice" thing still bothering me.
coreyj
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This is an interesting ending to a chapter...You may want to try to avoid sentence fragments, and you might want to change up some of your punctuation a bit, to make it less repetitive...You could include some dialogue in the last paragraph, or maybe divide it up into two...

Also, someone's internal thoughts do not need to be in quotation marks. Or, at least, that is how I have seen it in books. They just need to be italicized.

I think that this is a great story, though. Really a great idea, if you can make it into something more. It just needs...a bit more...grammar? Grammatical variation and correction, or something.

That's my three cents.

(Sorry! I just realized that this post was made five months ago!)
Anhelm
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Anhelm 18 Czech Republic MelancholicPhlegmatic INFJ 451 86C
I have started something a bit longer.

The air was quite cold, thought it was middle of spring. The whole city of London was bathing in clouds of fog. The port was filled with cries of seagulls, smell of fish and shouts of haggling merchants. It was year of 1585 and England, ruled by her majesty Elizabeth I. was, along with the whole Europe, taking a part in a fever of the New world.

A ship approached. Compared with the other ones, it was small, but the owner was surely successful and quite rich. When it turned around, the bystanders could see it’s name: Beannacht. The ship anchored and the crew started to unload the cargo. A young man appeared, giving some instructions to one sailor. Then he turned and left the harbour.

He walked through London’s streets and suddenly, he stopped at a big building. There was a sign telling: Finestroke Company. He opened the door and entered.

He met a clerk carrying a locked chest. “Mister Redleaf,” said the clerk, “it is a pleasure to see you again. Have you had a nice trip?” “It was no trip, mister Derpour,” answered Redleaf, putting off his warm coat, “it was buissenes.” Derpour continued his way and Redleaf headed into his office. He opened one letter lying on his table, but before he could read it, he was interrupted by knocking on the door. “Enter.” said he. The door opened, and John Wayburck, the head merchant of the company, introduced a tanned middle-aged man. “This man asked to speak with you, Liam.” said John and left the room. The newcomer sat and started to talk. “Mister Liam Redleaf, am I right?” “Yes, that’s me” answered a bit confused Liam. “What can I do for you?” “My name is Sancho Parosas,” continued the tanned man with a clear Spanish accent, “and I have an interesting offer for you. You do surveying work, right?” “Exploring, charting, surveying, that is my job.” answered Liam. “Great,” continued Sancho, “you are the man I need. Our company is interested in one collection of history books. We think that one of them lies in archives of Amsterdam. We need you to find it. And,” continued Sancho after a short pause, “owing to importance of our... purpose, we offer you thirty-five pounds if you can report us up to one week.” Liam was thinking. Sounds like easy job. Searching among books. And the reward is quite high. “Deal.” said Liam and both men shook their hands.

Here ∞ LINK ∞ is what I have created so far. Any comments, critiques, and MAINLY corrections (grammatical, stylistic, historical etc.) are welcome.
LSCohen
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LSCohen 21 Israel MelancholicSanguine ISFJ 291 198C
Sometimes telling what is the main idea of the story ruins the fun of reading, and unfortunately, you just DID that. The story is interesting but I wouldn't read it in such an enthusiasm as without knowing about it.
php213
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Nice! This is very well written, with only a few minor grammatical errors. I have few suggestions; feel free to ignore them at your discretion. "The port was filled with (the) cries of seagulls, smell of dish (sounds like dish is a name for a dish of food, maybe change it?), and (the) shouts of haggling merchants. It was (the) year of...was, along with the rest of Europe, caught up in the fever of the New world.

A ship approached. Although small, its owner was surely successful and quite rich.

Walking through London's streets, he suddenly stopped at a large building. (Just so he isn't used so much near the starts of sentences). A wooden sign said, "Finestroke Company". (usually, signs are said to say things, not tell things). "buissenes" is spelled "business". "one letter" should have "one" changed to "a". "said he" sounds a bit awkward since that type of writing hasn't been used in ages. "he said" would be better. "said John and left the room" could be changed to "said John, leaving the room." "answered Liam, a bit confused" sounds a bit better. "we offer" could be changed to "we'll offer" Liam's thoughts could be put into dialogue quotations. "Searching through books for 35 pounds? Sounds like an easy job," Liam thought. "both men shook their hands" could have "their" removed.

Edit: That first paragraph didn't seem to spoil much of the story for me; after all, it contained about the same amount of information as the summaries found at the back covers of books usually contain.
Anhelm
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Anhelm 18 Czech Republic MelancholicPhlegmatic INFJ 451 86C
Oh, I have written DISH? *laughter* I meant FISH (already overwritten.) Thanks for all your remarks.
Emy
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Okay, well. I've been working on my story. Really, really slowly. So I only have about five out of ten or fifteen pages done, and half of them I'm not so sure on. So here's the two pages which I think probably won't be crushed too badly in my mad rush (crawl) to edit everything to meet my personal standards. (Speaking of which, I need to go and edit Chapter One, too. There's some things I don't like.) Also, Yula speaks oddly because that's sort of how sign language works. I think. All I know is that people don't usually use the verb "to be." And I'm pretty sure you can't conjugate verbs either. And I think there isn't a difference between adjectives and adverbs? Hm.. I'm not too sure. And now that I think about it, I may not be so sure about this segment either, but.. here you go. Hopefully, it doesn't fail completely... I'll fix things later, I guess...

Chapter Two, Part 1?

There was a slightly acidic bile rising in the back of his throat, but Toma was much more concerned with the fact that he had lost the ability to hear somewhere in the realm of an hour earlier. The murmurs of the council were a nearly inaudible hum in the background –white noise. It was all just white noise, and there was nothing that he could do about it. Frowning, he tapped his ear, knowing that it was useless, knowing that he had already done it a hundred times that day. Nothing. He gave up. He at least still had his sight.

Somebody prodded him in the arm twice and Toma did his best not to shiver at the sudden contact. He turned to Yula on his right and the younger Lord gave him a slight nod in towards a person speaking down on the lowest level of the chamber. It was a man from one of the wealthier classes, one of the many family heads who frequently attended the Council’s monthly open meetings. Toma stared for a moment, concentrating on the figure two levels down, and tried and failed to read the man’s lips. He shook his head helplessly.

Yula jabbed him in the arm again and that time, Toma grimaced. Hands held low, the other Lord quickly flashed through a number of signs. It took few moments for Toma to realize what he was trying to do, and to his great frustration, he froze, unable to do anything but stare stupidly as he had the second realization that he no longer had idea what any of the signs meant. Yula slumped, sighing exaggeratedly for Toma’s benefit, before repeating the motions, more slowly than before.

“Drought in Arcadia. Agricultural product increase ten percent for Gimle. Alright?” the other Lord signed. “You trade freshwater for food or your people make water but not then increase ten percent. You understand?
Toma nodded once, slowly, running calculations in his head the best he could. There were few people who could make water, even fewer who were cancellers, and as far as he could remember, Gimle had never had that much of an occultist population. Ten percent isn’t so bad, he mused, closing his eyes. That would bring food prices to, to –ah. His mind went blank. Somebody shook him by the shoulder and he started.
“You good?\" Yula signed. “You not look very good.”
And this is surprising to you? Toma thought mildly, distantly annoyed, staring blearily at the other Lord. Thirteen years, Yula. Thirteen years. Just where have you been this entire time?

Yula rolled his eyes mockingly. “You look like you three steps from grave now,” he signed. “I hate have find new wall between me and High Lord Mafar. Too much work. Too much effort. And I cannot replace you anyways. Mafar always need careful around you because your condition. It not look good on him bother you. So you careful. Alright?”

Toma scowled, and maybe if he had been able to hear, he would have heard himself make a quiet, indignant sound. Do me a favor and please stop talking, Yula, he thought. You’re not exactly helping me right now.

As if sensing his irritation, Yula smiled serenely for a brief moment before his face morphed back into his usual neutral expression. “You really not look good,” he signed, his hands twitching almost mechanically, in the way that he usually adopted whenever he was trying to be an especial nuisance. “You not need come, you know. It not good for your health.”
You do know that I’m only nine years older than you, right? Toma thought, trying to convey the thought with a mild glare. I’m not an invalid yet. Well, not completely, he amended grudgingly, frowning. But I can’t stay in Kornephoros for so long. People may begin to think that I’ve really gone off and died. You really don’t need to worry about me so much.

Yula raised his eyebrows, obviously not getting the message. “I have no idea what you try say. Anyways, point you not good. You not come next time. Alright?”

No, it’s not alright, Toma thought dully, jerking his head in a quick shake. If I have to stay inside of the complex for any longer, I think I am going to die of boredom. Do you hear that, Yula? I am going to die in bed because of something even more pointless than illness. And you’re not getting a word of this, are you?

If Yula’s eyebrows rose any higher, they would disappear into his hairline. “You have any paper?” he asked. “We not go anywhere like this. This waste time.”

Toma shook his head again. Does it look like I have any with me? He wondered in exasperation. I swear, Yula, you’re doing it less out of concern and more for your own amusement. Can you just leave me alone so I can go and quietly die in a hole already?
LSCohen
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LSCohen 21 Israel MelancholicSanguine ISFJ 291 198C
Wow! Great telling! it's made in a way that concerns the reader to read/hear/see more! Keep that way!
Anhelm
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Anhelm 18 Czech Republic MelancholicPhlegmatic INFJ 451 86C
Marriage, part 3 (or "The Wallet")

She was driving her new car. She received it as a present from her husband, to celebrate theirs marriage reparation. It was big and comfortable and she was a good driver. Today, her task was simple. To buy food for next month and some additional stuff.

She arrived to the shopping centre. It was a big building, bringing feeling of real city to Liverpool's suburbs. Although it was half past eight, the parking lot was incredibly full. She found a suitable place for parking her loved car. She left the parking lot, heading to the monstrously looking centre, checking her list again and again. Bread, rolls, cheese, tomatoes, carrots, cereals, screwdriver... Her husband was surely no writer. The list had no form. She despairingly pictured herself browsing through infinite flakes filled with overpriced and useless stuff. Sigh.

She entered. The centre was called "Coolmarket." She immediately comprehended why. It was one big fridge. Although it was middle of July, the centre's staff managed to set the temperature to about fifteen degrees of Celsius. How appreciative! She checked her list again. So, what to start with? She decided to visit the fruit department first. Despite the low temperature, every orange seemed to be overripe. And some of them hosted variable species of mushrooms. Disgusted, she chose some good-looking apples, bananas and one pineapple.

Approaching the DIY department, she spied a beautiful shiny necklace. Unlike other ladies in Liverpool she knew, she wasn't much into fashion. But she adored jewellery. She was able to spend hours just by choosing the right broach to her hated green dress. She decided to return and continued her way. The assistant in DIY was pretty annoying. He wasn't able to tell her, what does slot screw mean, but he was able to speak forever about some bad-smelling glue. Pushing a shopping basket with almost smashed fruit and randomly chosen screwdriver inside, she checked another point of her list. What? Edward wants riffles? Oh, that is "waffles." He could write with a bit mercy for her. While looking for his favourite, a small slim man bumped in her. Her handbag fell on floor and she managed to catch a flake. She was in mood to shout: "Cannot you be a little more careful, you...," but she decided to just accept his apologies and carry on.

At last. Her basket was overloaded and she headed to the cash desk. But then, she remembered the necklace. How much was it? About hundred pounds. She decided to check, how much does she have in cash. But she stunned. Her wallet was away. Half senseless, she literally hung herself over left shoulder of security member, saying some gibberish like: "You must help me, I have been robbed. You are my only hope" Lately, she realised, she could just say: "Somebody stole my wallet." But no matter. They led her to a small room with many screens, asking her to describe the debtor. She didn't know much. Honestly, she didn't know anything. But then, she spied him at one of the screen. "That's him," said, rather yelled, she, pointed a little figure. After moment, the centre's manager was talking to her. She discovered a troublemaking pickpocket. "We must take all the stolen stuff to make an evidence," said a policeman, "but you can give us your address and we will send you your wallet as soon as possible, Mistress Carbleigh."

She parked her car and opened their door planing, how she will announce the new to her husband. "Enough you go." said Edward. "You give yourself a lot of time, Donna" "I thought I said you I am going to the shopping centre." answered pretty angry Donna. How can he be so rude? "I hope you haven't steal anything," continued Edward, making obviously fun of her, "you have forgotten your wallet in the bedroom."
Emy
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I know it's been a while since anybody has posted here, but I actually finished something for once, so... Um, here it is. Read the names out loud! Uh, it makes more sense that way...

Word Count: 1,116

Title: Tastes Like Plagiarism

It was dark and stormy night. The sky was impossibly pitch-black and even the stars were absent. Which of course is normal for stormy nights, but across the small, nearly negligible village of Ezeeturghet, people were suddenly stricken with the inexplicable desire to state the obvious. And so they did.

None of them seemed to remember that Ezeeturghet was exactly half a mile down the road from the dark factories of Eefal Offalore, who was supposedly very evil and most definitely an overlord. And his one recent –and only– act of evilness was to pollute the beautiful sky of Ezeeturghet with the horrendous substance known as Orangas. And airplanes. But if that were not enough to earn the people’s hatred, Eefal Offalore was also completely despised as a matter of principle. Industrialization, the villagers knew, was the work of the Derke Wen. Or Eva Offalore, who was most definitely not a woman and most certainly Eefal Offalore’s father.

So the villagers did their best to be good villagers and eventually, they undoubtedly succeeded. And being good villagers, they all absolutely refused all of Eefal Offalore’s attempts to industrialize Ezeeturghet. They contently worked the fields from dawn like the good villagers they were, whistling semi-cheerily away until dusk, when they all returned home to watch their favorite tv shows. They were forced to. Really.

Anyways, nothing happened that night. Or the night after that, or the week after that, or the month after that, and so on. It was a negligible village, after all, with a population that mysteriously always seemed to remain at a grand total of fourteen, despite the fact that the official census always read as two-hundred-seventy-five. Most of the population, justifiably, had developed extreme phobias of the outdoors and were too afraid to leave their houses. A few especially clever villagers wondered how exactly Ezeeturghet managed to keep up a self-sufficient community. But after a while, they got over it.

Eventually, however, Ezeeturghet attracted two particular individuals who were determined to make sure that the village lived up to its name. Their names were Pinsis Diyinsun and Pince Yusslis. They were also very determined to live up to their own names. And, after somehow managing to unsuccessfully sneak into the very close knit village of Ezeeturghet, they succeeded in convincing the public to let them stay there for an indefinite period of time. Of course, they reassured everybody that they would always stay at home with the door locked so that the population of the village would never appear to change.

The villagers were very pleased with this and agreed, being good and generous and caring villagers who were most definitely good. They were especially good after Pinsis Diynsun gave them a pair of her nice daemon earrings which promptly evaporated into thin air and was replaced with a hefty bag of gold.

One gloriously sunny day, which was somehow possible despite the smog, Pinsis Diyinsun gave birth to two twins. Two, because as everybody knew, sometimes “twins” could be a very misleading word and nobody wanted the confusion. Pince Yusslis was very adamant about there being two twins instead of some other number. He was a very wise and educated person and it showed.

The oldest twin was a beautiful baby girl with a full head of beautiful golden curls and beautiful blue eyes. She was very beautiful and had a very beautiful name. They called her Laidee Endestras.

The second twin was a handsome baby boy with hair the color of raven wings and handsome golden eyes. He was very handsome and he even had a very appropriate name. They called him Pince Carnin, which led to a little bit of confusion with Pince Yusslis. The problem was resolved when the child was renamed Carnin Pince. And everybody was happy.

But Eefal Offalore soon learned about the children and their parents and he was most definitely not impressed. And when the annual census came in that year at two-hundred-and-seventy-five as it always did, Eefal Offalore knew that it was time to take action. And so, he withdrew into his dark citadel which he never left anyways and presumably began to plot evil schemes. He was very evil and this was expected of him.

In the meantime, tragedy struck the village of Ezeeturghet. An ill begotten wind blew through the land, spoiling the crop, poisoning the water, and stealing away every last tv signal. Everybody knew that this was most definitely the work of the Ieval Veche, who lived far, far away. So far away, in fact, that if it had been any other village under distress, nobody would have thought it was her.

Heroically, Pince Yusslis rode out of the village on a magnificent horse to defeat Ieval Veche and end her evil spell. Nobody was sure where he got that horse, but it was agreed that it really was a lovely animal. Pince Yussliss was never seen again and the spell never ended. But the villagers did get their tv connection back eventually, so it was mostly tolerable.

Months later, Pinsis Diyinsun gave birth to two more children before she tragically died. The entire village mourned her, because even if she had not done very much for them on account of being a constant recluse, she was very beautiful and pure. Her laughter was like a chorus of children and even when she smiled, people could hear angels singing. She was so beautiful, in fact, and innocent, that when they buried her, her coffin was carried out by a procession of gentle animals like black bears and lions who also mourned her passing for no discernible reason.

The years passed, and the older set of twins born to Pinsis Diyinsun and Pince Yussliss became the most beloved citizens of Ezeeturghet. There was nothing they could not do, it seemed, and there was no soul that they could not touch with their innocence and surprisingly profound words of wisdom. Pinsis Diyinsun had been very invested in her children’s futures and made sure to leave some books behind for them to learn from. Her children, fortunately, were so brilliant that they were able to learn all on their own. The improbability was among their most endearing features. They were the most respected members of the community, and also the most intelligent, even if they were too nice to say so. Soon, Laidee Endestras and Carnin Pince were sixteen and suitors from all over flocked to Ezeeturghet to try for their hands in marriage. Sometimes even at the same time.

Once again, the infamous and very evil Eefal Offalore was not impressed. But this time, he wasn’t the only one.
LSCohen
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LSCohen 21 Israel MelancholicSanguine ISFJ 291 198C
As usual! PERFECT STORIES. I'm wordless of how I can tell to improve your storywriting!
GOOD JOB and can't wait to see it's proceed! ^_^
Emy
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Eh, thanks...

But I gave it to my mom and she says that it's "boring" and "heavy reading" that "only people with very high IQs can read"..... It's not really, is it?! Because that would be completely missing the point of why I changed my writing style to be like this...
Ribbit
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Ribbit 24 Germany MelancholicCholeric ISTJ 5w6 1013C
Well, it's hard to say. It probably isn't too appealing to everybody, or the 'general audience' or something. You have to be an avid reader somehow to like the story. To really appreciate the humor in it, a certain amount of understanding of generic fantasy stories or fairy tales is needed, I think.

I really liked the story and found it light hearted and pleasing; It made me smile several times and was a good read; But I could easily imagine that a lot of people wouldn't really know what to do with it. Just like school children who don't know what to do with the books they have to read, if that comparison is not too far-fetched.
Emy
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Hm... Well, that's not good... Do you have any ideas about what I can do to fix that? I really do think that this seems to be a more natural writing style for me, oddly enough, but if it's too hard to read, then maybe I should just go back to trying to hammer out that other style.
Ribbit
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Ribbit 24 Germany MelancholicCholeric ISTJ 5w6 1013C
It's not really hard to read, it just needs the right audience. Your mom for example, well I don't know her of course, but probably she likes to read other stuff than you. So it's understandable that she doesn't quite know what to do with the story. But I, and a lot of other people probably, like that kind of style. Maybe try to show it other people of whom you know they read much and ideally a lot of different stuff.

I don't think that it's good when you try to force a writing style on you that does not come naturally to you. I guess you have to know if you deem it possible for you; I for example liked your last stories alot too, if that was a different style for you even, but it seems different to me. It depends on which target group you would like to have, but as I said just your mom and some people on the internet are maybe not sufficient enough to judge.

Sorry that my only idea basically is to ask other people and then decide for yourself. But I know literature only from the viewpoint of a reader.
LSCohen
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LSCohen 21 Israel MelancholicSanguine ISFJ 291 198C
Eh... Not much.

It is made for smart people. and when succeeding to understand, it worth the shot! Though your mom is right, Lower a bit the level of the writing style. SOMETIMES high grade writing is boring and heavy reading.
bboyboboy
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I wrote this one on Facebook... Haha! There are a few more chapters, but I'll just put up the first.
Inspired by HighSchool of the Dead.

~Third Person~

National Guard volunteer George Williams, led his team into the dark, bloody hallways of the school. After silently disposing of the enemy, they came to a certain classroom that had the door broken down, bodies of the dead were strewn across the room.
"Sir! Over here!" a fellow soldier called.
"What is it?" he asked,
"It's a journal. From some kid."
"Give it here."

George flipped open the journal, and came to the first page.

~~~

I do believe in life after death, you know, heaven. Born into a long line of Catholics and Christians, and all.
But this isn't what I meant.

Telling my story through this book, we will begin with a corny, overdone intro.

It all started at about 1300 hours, or whatever it's called, 1:00 PM.
They came in, they bit my friends, and they turned.
I'm long gone from here, dead, or alive, you probably don't care.
My name is William Tai, age 17, and this is what happened.

~William's POV~

I sat at my time-out desk, far from the rest of the class as my teacher, Ms. Joseph, explained to the class about some scientific theory, I dunno, I can care less.

I slowly unzipped my jacket, and propped my feet upon the desk. A cool breeze flew in the window, circulating within my open coat.
Then we heard screaming.

"Help meee~!" someone yelled, whoever it was, he/she was really banging on the door hard, until we heard a slam, and the person slid down from the door glass and fell silent.

The classroom was dead quiet. I slowly got up from my desk, my good friends, Suzu and Kim got up as well.
Suzu had a determined look on her face, as did I. Kim breathed steadily, but fearfully.

Thump. Thump. Thump. We heard banging on the door again. Ms. Joseph went to the door and opened it cautiously.
At that second, I bounded for the cabinet that teachers kept locked for confiscated items from students.
Snatching the keys from Ms. Joseph's desk, I unlocked the cabinet and flung it open.

An aluminum baseball bat, a long combat knife, and an iPod was what I found.
I grabbed the bat, and tossed Suzu the knife and I pocketed the iPod as the teacher finally opened the door.

Suddenly, a man came in, he smelled of rotting flesh, his skin was pale gray, and the man brought down Ms. Joseph and began tearing into her shoulder with his teeth.

The entire room screamed with fear as the teacher's cries for help penetrated their eardrums.
Without thinking, I stepped forward, brought my toe into the creature's face and it groaned as it flew off Ms. Joseph, who was already dead with a stupid look on her face.

I gripped the bat and swung it into the assailant's face. Blood splattered over the floor and it didn't move.
Kim and Suzu came with me into the hallway, faces filled with fear and awareness.

Ms. Joseph arose from the floor, groaning.
One of the students came to her.
"Oh Ms. Joseph! Thank God you're alright!" she said, relieved. The teacher responded by grabbing the student's face and bit into her neck.

The rest of the class panicked and ran out the door and into the hallway, trying to get out.
Over the commotion, I heard distinctive moaning from down the corridor. There were more.

"Guys! Come on!" I shouted, and both girls acknowledged. I ran out the emergency exit, and into the outside.
They were everywhere.

Students and teachers of all ages ran from the horrifying death that slowly but surely came for them.
Kim looked at me with worry. "Where do we go?" she asked as she sidestepped another one of them that lunged at her.
"First, we need weapons." Suzu suggested, she twirled the knife in her hand and she dodged one and stabbed it in the neck. "Shop class is a good place to find some nailguns we need."
Kim and I seconded it. I swung at another one's head and it fell to the ground cleanly.

The school eventually quieted down, with the occasional scream or gunshot. By the time we got to the Shop classroom, nearly everyone in school is either bitten, turned, or commited suicide.

...

I closed the door behind us, and opened the window, Suzu searched the backroom. She came out with a boxfull of nails, small gas canisters, and nailguns.

I grabbed some duct tape, a nailgun and some wood. I smiled to myself, fourteen years on the internet from the age of three finally payed off.

~Third Person, back to present~

George turned the page again. "This looks like a girl's handwriting, definitely different from William's..." he whispered to himself.

~1400 Hours~
~Suzu's POV~

William nabbed a gas-operated nailgun and some supplies and got to work on one of the benches, sawing wood in half, and wrapping tape around each part. His grin grew bigger with each passing minute.
Kim looked out the classroom window. They were still in the hallways, luckily, they didn't hear us.

I went over to William. "What the hell are you doing?"
He smiled again. "Relax, I saw this in an anime.." he said calmly as he hotglued a broken half of a pencil, and two small halves of an eraser to the top of the nailgun.

As he worked, I grabbed another gun and followed his example. Taking some duct tape and wood.

Kim looked fearfully into the hallway once more. "Uh... guys?" She said, "They're coming...!"

William winced. He began to work faster on another nailgun as I assisted him.
Banging on the door began to mount. It grew louder and moaning turned louder.
Kim ran to us. "Guys!! Hurry up!" She screamed.
William glared at her. "Kim! Get all the nails and spare gas tanks you can carry into Suzu's bag!" he screamed as he loaded the nailguns with a fresh set and handed one to me and Kim.

I readied my gun as the enemy finally broke down the door.

~Present time, Third Person~

"Are you done reading, George?" a soldier asked him.
George closed the book. "There's more, but we need to go."
"You think?! They're here!" another man in the hallway called.

George placed the journal into his backpack as he slung his rifle from his shoulder.
LSCohen
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LSCohen 21 Israel MelancholicSanguine ISFJ 291 198C
Awesome background and story! yet I couldn't understand where it occures.
In the present? or near future? To me it seem a mix of the two!
bboyboboy
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Ah, it's a modern/present story. It's based on HighSchool of the Dead, which is a modern-zombie apocalypse to begin with. But your thinking of it being a mix is okay too.
LSCohen
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LSCohen 21 Israel MelancholicSanguine ISFJ 291 198C
Oh... Okays. It's cool cou are writing such stories.
jaffa6
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jaffa6 17 United Kingdom PhlegmaticSanguine INFP 7w8 490C
I wrote a partial Fanfiction, does that count as a story?
LSCohen
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LSCohen 21 Israel MelancholicSanguine ISFJ 291 198C
I'd personally prefr a full story... but a partial could/work as well.
jaffa6
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jaffa6 17 United Kingdom PhlegmaticSanguine INFP 7w8 490C
Ok! I'll probably finish it for the thread and upload chapters seperately if that's ok.
Enochlord
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I am back again with my poor grammar and inability to express what this is really supposed to say!

Chapter Two: The Mottled Golem

Come the morning there were several dead Uruk-hai strewn outside Seleser's tent. A veteran throws open the flap, only to hear a deafening roar, to smell blood, and to see a head sized fist. He flew out the tent with his face a wreck. I don't mean it was a mess, I don't mean it was bruised, I mean it was caved in and the brain was splattered on the ground. This was all that the elders could take. Lord Elder Ganjik blew the bodies away with an incredible strong gust of wind. He then carried dark clouds over the tribe, all things turned darker than night. The suns rays could be seen encircling the land nearly three kilometers away in every direction. The wind picked up and lightning began to strike, Lord Ganjik spoke to Seleser, "Get out Seleser, or I will blow you out. Seleser walked hunched out of his tent, one arm was over his eyes, and the other was crossed over his chin. "Seleser come into the wagon. You must come to Achi-Dhom." Seleser lifted his head just enough to see the wagon which resembled a Conestoga wagon. They were not of popular make though they were preferred when hiding cargo. He crawled into the back of the wagon and tarps were draped over the front and back. An Uruk-hai archer took the reigns of the horses, which were actually to be made into food after reaching Achi-Dhom, and two Uruak-hai guards seated themselves next to him. They began on the road. Others began asking where Seleser was off to, others asked where they got the wagon. They were not to know though. This was a trade between the Yulindih Elders and Fale Halick.
Seleser had done as he was told as he had never refused the will of an elder. He did not know the goal of this though. As he looked around the wagon he saw food, lumber, it was obvious the had prepared him to travel for two or three days. That either meant Achi-Dhom, or Tongued Bull hill. He forgot the details, he simply layed down, waited, and rested. Come the night most of a cooked lamb was tossed to him. He devoured it greedily with a simple thought, " Why the small portions? " He slept yet again. In the morning he heard the packing of bags, " Hmph, the road again... " There was the sound of an arrow hitting wood. It was clear they were under attack as they had brought no arrows of their own. Though one thing Seleser did find was a dull one handed axe. He threw off one of the tarps and stepped out. This time he did not care to cover his wounded face, he wanted blood. For the blood he had lost. He felt he had been cheated when he received his wound. He wanted to feel justice. He saw an arrow bury itself into the shoulder of one of his guards. Forests grew all over the continent, nobody cared to remove them. Though Seleser thought they should, the elves had the advantage in the world. He smashed into the forests at the right side of the woods and saw an elf reloading a shot. The elf had apparently noticed him first, as when he raised the bow it was pointed at him. Seleser did not attempt to dodge, he did not attempt to block, he continued to charge. The elf panicked and managed to fit two arrows into Selesers torso before being run down and decapitated. He ran back onto the road where there were four elves fighting his guards. His second guard was cut down, now there was only the archer who had taken the reigns. Seleser threw the axe, it knocked off the head of one elf, continued its arch, and hit the stomach of another. All eyes were turned his way. He lept into the air kicked one elf towards the other, they landed in a heap. The elf he had kicked luckily dropped his sword, Seleser threw this as well, it buried itself in the shoulder and into the base of the neck belonging to the bottom elf. The one he had kicked leapt up and lifted a bow off his back. he managed to place three shots in seleser and then, he was crushed by the raging giant.
Etged watched with fright as he realized his cargo was in the midst of the battle, he saw Seleser deal out death to the elves, "Back in the wagon, now!" Seleser simply stood there, "I said back in the wagon!" They stood in their positions for a good four minutes before Etged grabbed up the whip meant for the horses, and struck Seleser in the back. He heard a deep rumbling and realized it was coming from Seleser. He struck with the whip again, this time Seleser hunched himself, covered his face with one arm, turned, and with the other snatched the whip. Etged knew he had lost all control of the situation but continued to yank at the whip. Seleser then yanked the whip, and threw Etged a good three meters. Seleser climbed into the wagon, ripped out the arrows regardless of their barbs, and went to sleep. Etged was furious, but he knew there was nothing he could do, he climbed to the seat of the wagon, and they set off once again to Achi-Dhom.
Seleser knew he had won the fight with the archer. He knew who was in control. Seleser climbed to the wagon, removed the arrows, and tried to sleep. The archer took his seat, and they set off again, then he heard a familiar sound. The archer had not noticed, he wouldn't notice either. This time Seleser had them all.
LSCohen
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LSCohen 21 Israel MelancholicSanguine ISFJ 291 198C
As you claimed in the title, IT WAS poorer. I mean: How are events connected here?! Please improve this post and send again.
Enochlord
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How are the events connected? I don't understand your meaning. Also, you may have noticed Seleser has become much more violent. His wound changed his life and it wont be revealed until book twelve so it will probably never be revealed here, actually, I might never get around to making book twelve so it will probably never be revealed.
LSCohen
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LSCohen 21 Israel MelancholicSanguine ISFJ 291 198C
Probably I haven't understood it. It was heavy reading thingy.