Comment #15516

Forum: Short stories
Emy
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I know it's been a while since anybody has posted here, but I actually finished something for once, so... Um, here it is. Read the names out loud! Uh, it makes more sense that way...

Word Count: 1,116

Title: Tastes Like Plagiarism

It was dark and stormy night. The sky was impossibly pitch-black and even the stars were absent. Which of course is normal for stormy nights, but across the small, nearly negligible village of Ezeeturghet, people were suddenly stricken with the inexplicable desire to state the obvious. And so they did.

None of them seemed to remember that Ezeeturghet was exactly half a mile down the road from the dark factories of Eefal Offalore, who was supposedly very evil and most definitely an overlord. And his one recent –and only– act of evilness was to pollute the beautiful sky of Ezeeturghet with the horrendous substance known as Orangas. And airplanes. But if that were not enough to earn the people’s hatred, Eefal Offalore was also completely despised as a matter of principle. Industrialization, the villagers knew, was the work of the Derke Wen. Or Eva Offalore, who was most definitely not a woman and most certainly Eefal Offalore’s father.

So the villagers did their best to be good villagers and eventually, they undoubtedly succeeded. And being good villagers, they all absolutely refused all of Eefal Offalore’s attempts to industrialize Ezeeturghet. They contently worked the fields from dawn like the good villagers they were, whistling semi-cheerily away until dusk, when they all returned home to watch their favorite tv shows. They were forced to. Really.

Anyways, nothing happened that night. Or the night after that, or the week after that, or the month after that, and so on. It was a negligible village, after all, with a population that mysteriously always seemed to remain at a grand total of fourteen, despite the fact that the official census always read as two-hundred-seventy-five. Most of the population, justifiably, had developed extreme phobias of the outdoors and were too afraid to leave their houses. A few especially clever villagers wondered how exactly Ezeeturghet managed to keep up a self-sufficient community. But after a while, they got over it.

Eventually, however, Ezeeturghet attracted two particular individuals who were determined to make sure that the village lived up to its name. Their names were Pinsis Diyinsun and Pince Yusslis. They were also very determined to live up to their own names. And, after somehow managing to unsuccessfully sneak into the very close knit village of Ezeeturghet, they succeeded in convincing the public to let them stay there for an indefinite period of time. Of course, they reassured everybody that they would always stay at home with the door locked so that the population of the village would never appear to change.

The villagers were very pleased with this and agreed, being good and generous and caring villagers who were most definitely good. They were especially good after Pinsis Diynsun gave them a pair of her nice daemon earrings which promptly evaporated into thin air and was replaced with a hefty bag of gold.

One gloriously sunny day, which was somehow possible despite the smog, Pinsis Diyinsun gave birth to two twins. Two, because as everybody knew, sometimes “twins” could be a very misleading word and nobody wanted the confusion. Pince Yusslis was very adamant about there being two twins instead of some other number. He was a very wise and educated person and it showed.

The oldest twin was a beautiful baby girl with a full head of beautiful golden curls and beautiful blue eyes. She was very beautiful and had a very beautiful name. They called her Laidee Endestras.

The second twin was a handsome baby boy with hair the color of raven wings and handsome golden eyes. He was very handsome and he even had a very appropriate name. They called him Pince Carnin, which led to a little bit of confusion with Pince Yusslis. The problem was resolved when the child was renamed Carnin Pince. And everybody was happy.

But Eefal Offalore soon learned about the children and their parents and he was most definitely not impressed. And when the annual census came in that year at two-hundred-and-seventy-five as it always did, Eefal Offalore knew that it was time to take action. And so, he withdrew into his dark citadel which he never left anyways and presumably began to plot evil schemes. He was very evil and this was expected of him.

In the meantime, tragedy struck the village of Ezeeturghet. An ill begotten wind blew through the land, spoiling the crop, poisoning the water, and stealing away every last tv signal. Everybody knew that this was most definitely the work of the Ieval Veche, who lived far, far away. So far away, in fact, that if it had been any other village under distress, nobody would have thought it was her.

Heroically, Pince Yusslis rode out of the village on a magnificent horse to defeat Ieval Veche and end her evil spell. Nobody was sure where he got that horse, but it was agreed that it really was a lovely animal. Pince Yussliss was never seen again and the spell never ended. But the villagers did get their tv connection back eventually, so it was mostly tolerable.

Months later, Pinsis Diyinsun gave birth to two more children before she tragically died. The entire village mourned her, because even if she had not done very much for them on account of being a constant recluse, she was very beautiful and pure. Her laughter was like a chorus of children and even when she smiled, people could hear angels singing. She was so beautiful, in fact, and innocent, that when they buried her, her coffin was carried out by a procession of gentle animals like black bears and lions who also mourned her passing for no discernible reason.

The years passed, and the older set of twins born to Pinsis Diyinsun and Pince Yussliss became the most beloved citizens of Ezeeturghet. There was nothing they could not do, it seemed, and there was no soul that they could not touch with their innocence and surprisingly profound words of wisdom. Pinsis Diyinsun had been very invested in her children’s futures and made sure to leave some books behind for them to learn from. Her children, fortunately, were so brilliant that they were able to learn all on their own. The improbability was among their most endearing features. They were the most respected members of the community, and also the most intelligent, even if they were too nice to say so. Soon, Laidee Endestras and Carnin Pince were sixteen and suitors from all over flocked to Ezeeturghet to try for their hands in marriage. Sometimes even at the same time.

Once again, the infamous and very evil Eefal Offalore was not impressed. But this time, he wasn’t the only one.
LSCohen
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LSCohen 24 Israel MelancholicSanguine ISFJ 291 210C
As usual! PERFECT STORIES. I'm wordless of how I can tell to improve your storywriting!
GOOD JOB and can't wait to see it's proceed! ^_^
Emy
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Eh, thanks...

But I gave it to my mom and she says that it's "boring" and "heavy reading" that "only people with very high IQs can read"..... It's not really, is it?! Because that would be completely missing the point of why I changed my writing style to be like this...
Ribbit
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Ribbit 27 Germany MelancholicCholeric ISTJ 1127C
Well, it's hard to say. It probably isn't too appealing to everybody, or the 'general audience' or something. You have to be an avid reader somehow to like the story. To really appreciate the humor in it, a certain amount of understanding of generic fantasy stories or fairy tales is needed, I think.

I really liked the story and found it light hearted and pleasing; It made me smile several times and was a good read; But I could easily imagine that a lot of people wouldn't really know what to do with it. Just like school children who don't know what to do with the books they have to read, if that comparison is not too far-fetched.
Emy
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Hm... Well, that's not good... Do you have any ideas about what I can do to fix that? I really do think that this seems to be a more natural writing style for me, oddly enough, but if it's too hard to read, then maybe I should just go back to trying to hammer out that other style.
Ribbit
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Ribbit 27 Germany MelancholicCholeric ISTJ 1127C
It's not really hard to read, it just needs the right audience. Your mom for example, well I don't know her of course, but probably she likes to read other stuff than you. So it's understandable that she doesn't quite know what to do with the story. But I, and a lot of other people probably, like that kind of style. Maybe try to show it other people of whom you know they read much and ideally a lot of different stuff.

I don't think that it's good when you try to force a writing style on you that does not come naturally to you. I guess you have to know if you deem it possible for you; I for example liked your last stories alot too, if that was a different style for you even, but it seems different to me. It depends on which target group you would like to have, but as I said just your mom and some people on the internet are maybe not sufficient enough to judge.

Sorry that my only idea basically is to ask other people and then decide for yourself. But I know literature only from the viewpoint of a reader.
LSCohen
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LSCohen 24 Israel MelancholicSanguine ISFJ 291 210C
Eh... Not much.

It is made for smart people. and when succeeding to understand, it worth the shot! Though your mom is right, Lower a bit the level of the writing style. SOMETIMES high grade writing is boring and heavy reading.