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on 727 Roots

727 Comments

Forum: How do you feel about Heiveldboy?
Pseudolonewolf
0

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This is one in a series of threads; see ∞ this one ∞ for the explanation.
Forum: How do you feel about SelfReferential?
Pseudolonewolf
0

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This is one in a series of threads; see ∞ this one ∞ for the explanation.
Forum: How do you feel about SaviorSephiroth?
Pseudolonewolf
4

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Perhaps this is odd - and yet another reason for more people to hate me - but I'm curious about how people feel about the people who have been banned recently; it feels like a big reason people hate (or 'have mixed feelings about') me is because I 'unfairly' kicked their friends out or something? I've been writing a blog post about it which I haven't posted yet... but I worry those just do more harm than good anyway.

So yes. I'm going to start a handful of threads like these. Ratings are anonymous, of course, so please be honest about it. I'm curious to see how they compare.
Forum: AaxeE
Pseudolonewolf
4

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One of the many personality systems that I am interested in is called the 'Big Five':

Quote:
The Big Five is currently the most accepted personality model in the scientific community. The Big Five emerged from the work of multiple independent scientists/researchers starting in the 1950s who using different techniques obtained similar results. Those results were that there are five distinct personality traits/dimensions.


You can do a test to find your type here: ∞ LINK ∞

At the bottom of the results, you'll see a bit (which is annoyingly inconspicuous) that says 'sloan+' (ctrl+F search the page for 'sloan+' to find it easily!), with a formatted result that looks something like this (this is my result): R|L|oaI

The fourth letter (ignoring the | things surrounding one of those letters) will be either A, a, x, e, or E. I'm really curious to see which letters are most common in this community.

Please be honest in your answers to the test!

If you are interested in this further, you can read about it on ∞ Wikipedia ∞ easily enough.
Forum: How do you feel about me?
Pseudolonewolf
5

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I'm trying to gauge the feeling of the community as a whole towards me... but will I regret this?!
Forum: Apparently I'm Transphobic
Pseudolonewolf
4

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I wanted to avoid some "I'm sorry, I was a bad boy, and you are right" sort of thing because it seemed like the kind of stock reply that anyone could write, which would be dishonest and wouldn't mean anything... This is still a difficult situation for me (to put it mildly), but I am trying to learn from it.

It's particularly difficult because this whole transgender thing isn't something that's really come up in my life at all, which I imagine is different to having a 'bigoted' view of women like the person you mention... I mean, my views about men and women colour my mind every day, but it's not as if I regularly come into contact with transgender people or anything. So when one approaches me with years of wounding, opinions, thoughts, and personal values and defences built up around this one issue and I'm completely ignorant about it, well... It led to me being offensively uninformed. It's not even as if I'm trying to reverse long-held beliefs about transgender people; I'm still new to having to deal with these issues at all. It's as comfortably familiar to me as the world of Chinese politics. I really would rather just avoid it... but if that's impossible, then I suppose I'll have to devote at least a bit of my energy to it.

I still don't really understand what 'gender' means if you strip away the personality and social roles though. I always thought that 'sex' was the physical anatomy, but 'gender' was the mental personality stuff. So speaking of gender without the personality or role is odd to me in the same way as speaking of sex with the body stripped away; I don't understand how it makes sense. It clearly means something very different to people with 'gender issues' than it does to me.

I mean, I've been vaguely aware of these 'gender issues' for years, occasionally coming across descriptions like:

Quote:
Genderqueer is a catch-all category for gender identities other than man and woman, thus outside of the gender binary and cisnormativity


They always just made me think "what...?", and I couldn't help feeling that it was all just pretentiousness, putting ego over nature, doing that whole "I'm too complex to be defined by your narrow labels" thing that I see a lot when personality types come up. As if people felt that they transcended the rules of the universe or something. It seemed narcissistic and off-putting to me... just like people saying that their views about the nature of the universe, which they'd just made up, were physically true because they wanted them to be or something. It seemed like a part of the 'cult of self', where everyone's super-special and amazing and everything they think is true and right... I've come across several people like that in the past, and I found that it contrasted a lot with my own feeling that all I can do is accept what I am. Perhaps that deep acceptance of who I am - which I think I've talked about before and you said seemed odd and very different to you - is why people who feel so differently about these things seem uncomfortable and difficult to understand to me.

Of course, I'm coming to realise how that initial impression isn't exactly accurate, but it's going to take time to shake it off. It still seems to go against my own values...

Do I 'feel like I should be male'? That's something that also makes no sense to me; I instead just see that I am male and say 'oh', in the same way that when I learned I was INFJ I said 'oh' rather than trying to be some Ideal INFJ and feeling bad that I couldn't be, or something. Do I feel like I should be human? What else could I be? I am what I am... so the thought of even wondering about being something other than what I am is so, so hard for me to imagine.

I mean, does it manifest in the same way that otherkin people feel they should have tails or scales? In the same way that bulimic people feel that they're too fat, that their body is simply wrong? Are there transgender animals in the same way that there are homosexual ones? Have there been transgender people since ancient times, or is it a recent idea that developed from social concepts rather than merely biology? All these things are completely unknown to me, and I am curious about them... I suppose it might have led to an intriguing and educational discussion right from the start if Frances didn't remind me so much of the kind of person I wanted to get away from in terms of attitude... but oh well; I suppose there's no changing what happened now.

ANYWAY. I'm just rambling now! Which I've been doing a lot of to get my head around all this. It is frustrating and I don't like it, but I do feel I must at least try.
Forum: Apparently I'm Transphobic
Pseudolonewolf
10

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Actually, now that I've had some (fitful, unrefreshing, brief) sleep and I'm missing class because this has shaken me up so much, I want to write a bit more, because from reading things just now, I realise that what I'd done was actually worse than what I remembered.

I had completely forgotten about 'explicitly denying her gender identity', or whatever it is that I did, but I think I did indeed do that? I want to explain that a bit.

I want to say first that I don't want to rationalise it as good or right or anything; rather, I merely want to explain why I said such horrible things. I mean, "I was highly emotional and I just didn't like her" is the main reason, but I'll try and explore the underlying thoughts, for my own introspective benefit if nothing else.

I see males and females as vastly, vastly different creatures, due to my life being full of mostly the former while the latter were rare aliens that I really, really wished I knew more (than zero) of. I'm one of those sad lonely losers with that Goddess complex, who puts girls on a pedestal and sees them as something other than merely human. Guys are people, but girls are special. It's something that I suppose often happens as a result of a very gender-imbalanced life.

Over the last few years, I've been trying to alter that way of thinking (I can almost imagine girls using the toilet!! o_O), but it's slow, and many, many bad experiences with guys (basically always guys) just push me further and further towards idealising women and wanting to flee completely from men. It's unfair, but my mind's been conditioned to see men as hurtful demons and women as unreachable angels. Consciously I know this is absurd, but in my heart, these feelings are a strong undercurrent for all of my interactions with other people.

A nicer comparison might be to compare girls to bunnies and guys to lions (neither of those are horrible things, I hope!).
When Frances arrived, a supposed bunny rabbit, and roared and snarled and so on and so forth, and I saw that she was actually a lion wearing bunny rabbit ears, my mind said 'no. You are not a rabbit. I can't accept it. You're too similar to the lions that have mauled me in the past'.

I brought up the concept of otherkin; people who want to believe that they're really reincarnated wolves or dragons or anime characters or whatever ridiculous thing, and they truly, deep in their hearts seem to cling to this concept; it gives them self-worth, and they insist on others calling them 'Drakeflame' or whatever instead of their real name. At what point does this become too hard to tolerate? At what point does the delusion become too awkward or too uncomfortable? At what point do you stop humouring them?

Transgenderism... transgenderness... or whatever the word is, is different, or so I've been told; it's based on brain chemistry. I suppose if the evidence supports it, then that's the truth of it; I know that homosexuality is based on physical things that can't be controlled as well, so I can believe that.

But even so, there is that nagging part of my mind that doesn't want it to be true... That part that hates and fears lions, so no matter how much a large, fang-baring cat insists it's a bunny rabbit, I struggle immensely to accept it. This manifests as me 'not respecting their chosen identity', but to me it's not much different to 'not respecting the chosen identity' of people who want to be called Lord Flamescales or Queen Darkraven The Vampire or something.

Again, I repeat, I consciously know that these concepts are not equivalent; it's just that the same resistant incredulity I feel - not so much think, but irrationally feel - is the same for both.

It's different, however, when the so-called rabbit actually looks like one; a little fluffy lion with long ears would be easy to call a rabbit, and I'd have no problems calling it one even if I found out it wasn't 'really' one, in terms of deep DNA or whatever. If it looked and acted like one, then as far as I'm concerned, it is one.

The whole issue with Frances was that I didn't see a cutesy little lion-rabbit; I saw a snarling beast that insisted that the artificial bunny ears on its head defined its species. And since I literally have a phobia of lions, I couldn't feel comfortable with this at all.

To be clear: this way of thinking is wrong. It is not good, it is not right, it is not admirable, and it is not something I'm trying to defend or anything. I'm merely going over my own mental processes to make sense of the whole thing. That's the way to find understanding and enlightenment, after all; it doesn't just happen with a snap of the fingers, or a punch to the face.

So I ended up saying ugly things like "but you're roaring! You're clearly not a rabbit!", which of course she took great offence to for obvious and understandable reasons. I realise now - better than I did yesterday - how much this must have hurt. As someone who's never struggled with my 'gender identity', I didn't fully understand the tenderness that such an area has for people who do.

I don't clearly understand what 'gender' actually means to such people, and I think this was something that came up between us too. I mean, as I've already explained, to me, words like 'he' and 'she' merely refer to anatomy; I'm not 'male' because I embrace masculinity or anything like that, but because I have a plug and not a socket (to boringly reuse my earlier words). I don't 'like' or 'embrace' the fact that my body has this anatomy; I just realise that it is what it is. I take the hand I've been dealt, and do with it what I can. I struggle then to understand what someone means when they say that they're 'not male' despite having a plug.

What does this mean exactly? I always used to assume it was an attitude thing - "I'm not manly, so I can't be male" - but I gathered from Frances that it's more based around some kind of body dysmorphia or something; they feel like they're 'in the wrong body', physically. Their actual attitude, interests, and behaviour seem irrelevant then... or do they? It's something I freely admit I know bugger all about, because it's so far removed from my own experiences.

Understanding that is as easy as it is for people to truly understand my ∞ social anxiety ∞... though a lack of understanding of that anxiety doesn't come with an ugly label like 'transphobe', so it's much easier for people to get away with making incredibly hurtful and ignorant assumptions about it, or demands related to it, without being branded as monsters or sinners for doing so. No matter how much pain my anxiety has caused me, nobody's going to be called an 'anxietyphobe' for denying that it shouldn't be an issue simply because it isn't for them.

It's frustrating to realise how I beg and plead for people to understand that anxiety, yet I was so bad at understanding the very different experiences of someone else when it came to it. Eye-opening, for sure; something I'll be thinking about.

(Though this is largely because she rubbed me entirely the wrong way, which makes me resistant to be accepting and understanding, whereas if I'd been interacting with a warm fluffy cloud person, I might have been more readily understanding...)

Anyway. Yesterday was frustrating, and I was highly emotional, and hurt, and peoples' brusque responses to the situation didn't help matters at all. Now that I've cooled down a bit, though, I can begin the healing and learning process. Hopefully it will prove to be enlightening, even if I don't completely come to understand how the minds of transgender people work. I suppose it's a journey that has to be taken one step at a time.
Forum: Apparently I'm Transphobic
Pseudolonewolf
2

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While it's nice to know that you don't think I'm a monster (I feared you would, since I know that my flawed thoughts about all this are not nice), I do want to make clear - in case I hadn't already - that I don't think Frances is a monster either, or anything like that.

I don't like her, but all that means is that I don't like her; it's not some kind of objective assessment of her worth as a person or anything. I understand that people such as her are valuable friends and allies to many people; in particular, I assume she'd be thought of very highly by other people who share her experiences because she 'stands up for her beliefs' or some such thing. That's the way these things usually go...

I even understand where she's coming from, and why she acted the way that she did; I don't like it, and it caused me much pain, but I don't regard it as senselessly malicious, like a troll or anything.

So while I do not have a positive opinion about her, I don't think "I'm right and she was wrong!!" (I feel the need to clear this up more for the sake of anyone else reading this than for you, if you feel you already know I meant this...)
Rather, it's blatantly obvious that we're incompatible, since we each have enough traits of our HATED ENEMIES that it's easy for us to see eachother as another example of such, and I would appreciate it if she'd keep her hate for me somewhere that isn't on the website that I built and run, thankyouverymuch, just as I reserved my hate for her to what I thought was my private journal. "He doesn't like me so I'll ruin his reputation in his own domain" just doesn't seem fair.

If nothing else, this whole ugly experience has made me more aware of the way that transgender people think. I have a long way to go, because gender is deeply significant to me, and my thoughts for males and females are worlds apart, so when someone isn't entirely one but isn't entirely the other either, it creates an uncomfortable dissonance that I think I'll struggle with until I can find peace with these 'gender issues' I have in general... I wish it had come up in a better way (convincing people to change the way they think by attacking them rarely seems to work), but I'm mostly at fault for the way that it did come up, so I only have myself to blame. Hopefully, in years to come, I'll look back at myself with hate for being so unenlightened.

So yes. I do hope that people don't see me as an evil monster, but I don't want people to think of Frances that way either.

Oh, I also want to say that I don't see any of this as some kind of 'debate' with 'arguments' that are 'fallacious' or 'wrong' or 'right' or anything ridiculous like that. It's not a puzzle to solve, or a rhetorical contest to win. It's just an ugly, complicated conflict between two highly incompatible and deeply wounded people; something that has no 'winners'.
Forum: Apparently I'm Transphobic
Pseudolonewolf
14

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Part 2

Anyway, I suppose I didn't really realise at the time how much that would have affected Frances. It's tough, I suppose, to truly realise the extent of the other person's pain when your own pain is filling your own mind and heart with dark, stormy clouds that threaten to consume you. Due to her gender issues, I know that she's been on the receiving end of much harassment and bullying from nasty people. She's also really choleric, and had an aggressive, defiant attitude at the first sign of this, which made our disagreement so heated. She's a fighter, rather than someone who backs down. Being a fighter leads to fights. I don't like choleric people, as you probably already know, because I'm sensitive and so easily scarred, so every defiant, forceful thing she said - in her eyes, to defend herself - just pushed her further and further into the 'kind of person I want to get away from' area in my eyes.

We each were consumed by a lifetime of strife and problems, and putting us together was a bad, bad idea!
She's been bullied all her life because of her gender, and to her I was just another bully, one in a chain, saying the same hurtful and tormenting things as all the rest.
To me, she was a Fig Hunter person, an argumentative choleric critical show-off who hurt my tender little heart. The sort I'd made that site to escape. Again, one in a chain of many similar experiences.
It opened up old wounds for both of us, and we both felt tormented and deeply hurt by the experience, from the sound of things. We each assumed things of the other that weren't fair, based on past experiences; each of us fell into 'one of THESE people' category, I imagine...

Since then, I've handled that situation by trying to avoid her, as I do with people I don't get along with. She however has been openly expressing her hatred for me... I don't expect her to like me or anything, but I at least vented in private. Or at least I thought it was private. It turns out that one of the people able to see my private words was not to be trusted, however, and this person shared my private, highly emotional vent with Frances, who read it and, of course, thought much less of me. Of course she would! It's not as if I was going to write some reasonable and tolerant treatise in the depths of stormy torment! I was just getting things off my chest, vomiting vitriol so it would stop polluting me, and I did it in the only place I felt I could.

Frances showed off this extremely private thought of mine in the Fig Hunter chatroom. For this, she has been banned. I know that my words in that thought were horrible, but they were meant to be private. Have you never said nasty things about someone who'd hurt you behind their back, just for the sake of cathartic release? It's what she was doing about me, probably for the same reason, except she chose not to do it in private.

She was hurt, and as a result, she tried to hurt me. When I banned her after sharing this private thought of mine, her response was a smug 'you lose'.

I did not wish to harm her. But nor did I have the energy to embrace her. I only wished her to be away from me, because her personality was the type I was trying so hard to escape from.

I also don't hate transgender people. I don't understand them, that's for sure, and I don't like to talk about the topic when it comes up, but I'd rather it didn't come up at all. When I got a new member, expecting a soft warm cloud of a girl, and actually got a choleric, argumentative girl-who's-actually-a-plug, I felt betrayed because none of what I expected to get was as I was expecting it to be.

To be clear, I wasn't frustrated because I couldn't have sex with her or anything like that; I feel like some of my words here might imply that. The transgender thing was mostly just the straw that broke the camel's back; if it wasn't that, it would have been some other personality trait I'd 'picked on', like maybe the fact that she was 'choleric' or something.

To me, it seems like transgender is a different gender entirely to both male and female... I don't think that a physically male but mentally female person is the same as someone who is both biologically and physically female, because their life experience would have been affected by so many different thoughts and experiences, but I also don't think that they have less worth or are less worthy of respect or anything. I also don't realise how big a deal this gender thing is to them though... Or rather, I know, mentally, that it is, but I don't truly in my heart know what it's like because I lack the experience myself. It's alien and uncomfortable for me and, like I said, that makes me want to avoid it because I haven't the space in my aching heart for the mountains of pain and problems that comes with living such a conflicted existence. There are many people out there better suited to supporting such people.

(It's like how people might know about my own frustrations from what I write, but can't truly understand them in their heart because they don't have the same experiences, so they assume I'm overreacting or being unfair...)

I've been told by people in the past that they were transgender, which made me raise an eyebrow and think 'okay?', after which I thought little else about it. It only became an issue with Frances in particular because I already disliked her personality beyond that; if she was a nice warm fluffy cloud, then I wouldn't have been so hostile. I wouldn't have minded. I was merely a mirror to her own prickliness, which I suppose is such a fundamental part of her nature because of all the hardship she's had to deal with because of this.

Anyway... It's difficult for me to want to apologise to Frances, because the truth is that I don't like her. Not because of what she is, but because of how she behaves. I've already made that clear. I don't like how she was so defiant and argumentative, and I especially hate how she shared my most private thoughts with others who were never meant to see them. They were private so as not to hurt her further; it's not as if I'd stepped up to a podium to publicly slander this person who I barely knew, with the intention of causing her more harm.

However. I do at least understand that she's as scarred as I am, just for different reasons, and it wasn't fair of me to be that way towards her just because of my own scars. I don't think that I'm 'right', but I don't think that she is either. I think it's more complicated than that, and the complex mess of human emotions have resulted in a whole ugly affair that I'd rather never happened at all.

I do want to make clear to other people who are transgender though that I don't think less of or hate you for it anything like that. I just struggle to understand it, it makes me uncomfortable, and I'd find it difficult if a discussion about it arose. I'd rather just ignore the whole topic entirely, as I've said multiple times already. I'm not a perfect saint, and hopefully this is something I'll improve with once I have something that helps ease my own crippling problems.

If, for example, someone asked me to change their gender on this site, I wouldn't launch into an angry tirade criticising their very existence; I'd say 'oh, okay' and do it, if it helped their mental health. Again, I want to make clear that it was Frances' personality that made me act the way I did towards her in particular.

The thought of being a 'transphobic bully' is harrowing, and the thought of everyone agreeing with Frances rather than seeing this as a two-sided thing is painful... I don't want you to hate Frances and see her as if she was in the wrong, since she was only acting according to her nature, and as a result of a life time of abuse. But I also hope that people won't see it as me beating down a vulnerable victim for no reason at all, because I too was merely reacting as a result of a lifetime of deeply painful frustrations. She opened my wounds, I opened hers, neither of which was intentional as such, but the messy results were the same.

I know that this is very different to an "I am sorry and I was wrong" post, which might be better received... I just hope that people will see this as the multifaceted storm of emotions that it is, rather than as a one-way bully-victim situation.

To summarise it all: It does not matter to me what you are; what matters is how you interact. That's what makes me like or dislike you. Isn't that the case for everyone?
Forum: Apparently I'm Transphobic
Pseudolonewolf
11

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In the midst of a panic attack after a day full of scarring and heart-rending drama, the sort I'd been trying so, so very hard to escape, I am compelled by peoples' impressions of me to write a post about my thoughts on transgender people.

This is about Frances in particular, who I assume you all know is transgender and if not, then it was sort of silly for people to suggest I write a post about this.

Before I say anything else, I'll summarise my position on transgender people: they make me somewhat uncomfortable, but mostly I just don't care and would rather have nothing to do with the whole thing. I neither embrace nor despise them simply because of their transgenderedness. I certainly don't think that they should be attacked for being what they are or anything like that.

I do have trouble wrapping my mind around the concept though. I admit it's alien to me, and will take some getting used to. However, when I learn that someone is transgender, it's like learning that they're homosexual or something; it makes me think 'uh, okay', then I maybe raise an eyebrow and forget about it. Or rather, I'll probably say something about how I wouldn't have expected that or whatever. It's... interesting, and that's it, especially if I just regard them as an acquaintance or not even that, then it's of little interest to me whatsoever. It's just one of many traits that makes up a whole.

I'd be uncomfortable being close friends with someone who was transgender, in the same way that I'd be uncomfortable being friends with someone in a wheelchair or someone with a severe mental handicap, or even someone who was promiscuous and extroverted. Obviously this strays from the tolerant, all-loving ideal that people are supposed to embrace these days, but my reasons for it aren't because I hate them or think they're lesser people; it's because I tend to try and avoid people who I can't relate to in general. People in any of those categories live in different worlds to me, and I'd be terrified of saying things that might offend them and so on and so forth. I'd feel like I had to be more alert and careful than I'd prefer to be, and I know that's a fault of mine rather than something to be proud of or to embrace. I'd rather just run away than put effort into fixing it, though... which again is a fault, but my life is simply too inundated with problems of my own - loneliness, anxiety, the stress of making and maintaining the things I make and maintain - that I just couldn't handle the extra worries and efforts that came along with trying to learn about someone's vastly alien experiences... Maybe that sounds heartless; I just see it as having barely a trickle of energy to work with, which I'd rather spend on other things instead.

So there was this person, Frances... You probably all know that I have another site called Alora Fane which, for the moment, is invite only. It's hard for me to accept new people there due to trust issues that have arisen as a result of running Fig Hunter, and especially things like inviting people into private sections in the past who turned out to be untrustworthy or hurtful or whatever else.

I was told that there was a new member who was interested in joining Alora Fane... I didn't know this person, but I was told it was a teenage INFJ girl who was on Fig Hunter who was... argumentative. Okay, I thought; I know how the atmosphere of Fig Hunter draws that out of people; god knows I've been argumentative myself more often than not here, despite claiming to be all sensitive and gentle and such.

Honestly, the main thing that piqued my interest was the whole 'girl' part. I have gender issues of my own, you see, though of course they differ from a transgender person's. Gender is important to me... I'm scared of males; I've developed a fear of masculinity and male people from overexposure, and more than anything I want to meet more girls. In particular, I hope to meet a girl who I could be more than friends with eventually, but my isolated life makes it hard for me to find anyone of that compatible sex. So I welcome any that I can get into my life, much less hesitantly than I would if they were male. I'm also sensitive and emotional myself, and don't associate myself with masculinity at all; it could even be said that I'm a borderline transgender in that sense, though it always seems odd to me how people make the jump over the line, since I personally only use the terms 'male' and 'female' to refer to anatomy. I'm not a manly man, but I am 'male' in the sense that I have a plug and not a socket. I suppose it's tough for me to fully wrap my mind around how gender works differently in other peoples' minds, and I probably should put more effort into understanding that but, well, it's the whole lack-of-energy thing again. I know I've been told that it's a brain chemistry thing.

So anyway. Along comes Frances, who I let in despite the fact that I knew nothing about her, largely because she was a she and I'm a lonely creep or whatever who's eager to meet more sockets I can stick my plug in. Or, uh... not like that. Probably. Or something. It's painful being so lonely, and being surrounded by hundreds and hundreds of other guys all my life. Any change from that is welcome.

You may also be aware of my other site that I started recently, the sensitive one. It's nice! The people there are emotional, friendly, 'feminine' in the sense that they are supportive and positive and encouraging and such. It has this soft, fluffy feeling to it, and being there feels like I'm being embraced by a warm cloud or something.

That's what I hoped I'd be getting when this teenage INFJ girl joined Alora Fane... A person who was soft, fluffy, emotional, encouraging, etc. A nice warm cloud.

What I got instead was someone who reminded me of all that I disliked about Fig Hunter... Someone who was argumentative (I had been warned, but my little pants monster made me ignore it), who spoke using far too many obscure words to show off, someone who bragged about their programming prowess, and a bunch of other things that brought so many unpleasant memories tumbling back. Old wounds reopened, and the teeth-gritting endurance game that I'd become so fond of in the Fig Hunter chat began again.

I chose to endure it for a time, because I knew she was new and, well, she was a she; that gender thing kept me at least somewhat, uh, tolerant. Relatively, anyway. But she didn't exactly act like a she; at least, not like the warm and fluffy cloud people who I can now enjoy on my other site. Her behaviour was basically masculine, or at least it seemed that way to me. Choleric.

I can't remember the details, but I think I got gradually more and more prickly because she was reminding me more and more of exactly what I'd made Alora Fane to get away from. The Fig Hunter attitude. It wasn't deliberate on her part, for sure, and perhaps it was just her trying hard to be impressive in the only way she knew how, but my own wounds made it hard for me to endure. These were the sorts of people who drove me away from my own website, after all. I was getting ready to leave this chatroom too... but this was before I had my new sensitive site, and I relied heavily on the Alora Fane chat to stay sane. The thought of going there only to have this new thorn in my side, bringing out stress and robbing me of any enjoyment I might get from the place, was too much to bear, so, in an unusual-feeling act of assertiveness, or probably madness, I blatantly asked if she was transgender... Not just based on nothing, but based on the fact that she sounded like oh so many Fig Hunter Guys that I'd dealt with in the past, as well as a comment she'd just made about her family not accepting her or some such thing.

She confirmed that this was true, and we got into a horrendous mess of an argument which I've since learned was interpreted by her as me being a bully and tormenting her, but which was far from a walk in the park for me. So draining and mind-rendingly frustrating it was, in fact, that I absolutely had to vent about it afterwards, for the sake of catharsis. I normally do my venting on yet another private site of mine, away from the eyes of the public; since I have no confidants to turn to for hugs and support and a friendly ear, and I wouldn't want to vent at anyone so one-sidedly and viciously anyway, I wrote a thought on this private site about it. My words were nasty, and highly emotional. I was getting out all the pain that I'd just endured, vomiting up the bile that had built up inside this terrible encounter, and in doing so I felt some kind of release.

Interestingly, I didn't actually ban Frances from Alora Fane. I'd made it abundantly clear that I didn't like her, but I'd rather just avoid the chat and let her stay there if she preferred. This was at the expense of myself, because as I said, I feared losing that chatroom as I relied on it a lot to stay sane, but here I was giving it up rather than banning her.

Continued in part 2...